on soulmates and spirituality

This image speaks a thousand words. It's not the boy (for he is still in many ways a boy) in the picture. Though he is dear to me.

It's what he represents. The tie, the bandanna, the funky watch, so supremely modern. Juxtaposed with a gesture so ancient. A gesture that to me signifies piety and faith. It was a moment not too long ago, etched in my memory, of two men that mattered to me with their heads bowed in prayer. A powerful image that i revisit from time to time to try and remember the lesson.

I am Muslim.

It's something I identify with more now than I did as a child. And that strangely enough came about from living in a country where being Muslim wasn't part of the air that I breathed.

Am i a conventional Muslim?

Definitely not, and I am very much still learning.

Am I a good Muslim?

I could be better, but then I feel that that judgment is something for God and God alone to make.

Here's the thing, for some reason unbeknownst to me, I seem to have mostly been attracted to and subsequently dated non muslim men. 66.66 % in fact have been non muslim. And 3 of the 4 relationships that have made an impact on my life have been with non- muslims. Queenbee asked recently, what it was about them that made it so. I really don't know. Perhaps it was their confidence, perhaps it was their non- judgmentalness. Perhaps perhaps perhaps.

Maybe it's simpler. Maybe it was simply to show me what to look out for but also to impose a test of faith. A test of faith that i have to admit that I failed many many times.

With 1 of 4, I was too young to even understand the repercussions though I got a tiny smack on the wrists.

With 2 of 4, i convinced myself it was ok if he converted just to convert and not for the actual faith.

With 3 of 4 I failed spectacularly. I looked into the possibility of civil marriages. I had mostly convinced myself that to marry within the faith was overrated and not necessary as long as I kept my own. The family would get over it and I wouldn't be spending most of my married life with them anyway so it wouldn't really matter. I had to however draw the line when I realised he wanted children raised without any faith at all. This to me was unthinkable and I left (though it took a while *smile*)

Recently, faced with the possibility of this choice yet again. I had to revisit old, worn out paths in my thoughts. Walked that road again, eyes straining to see something new that would show me the right way. I questioned why I had to keep making this same decision. Then Psyche Doppelganger asked me if i had learnt the lesson expected of me from all the previous times. And I realised in that moment that perhaps I hadn't. Perhaps that was why.

The memory induced by that picture is precious as that moment brought with it a moment of clarity. Suddenly the reason stole over me. That it mattered to me that the man I grow old with is able to take that spiritual journey with me. To hold my hand when I'm scared and mess up. To lead me when I get lost. And even to lead when his path is that little bit murkier.

That only a man with faith would be able to understand that part of me and only a man of my faith would walk with me.

It just matters.

And I think I've finally learnt that lesson.

Let's just hope it's not an easily forgotten one

*fingers and toes crossed**eyes scrunched up in concentration*

Photo courtesy of Kama on Multiply.