a million little pieces

she has had her fair share of heart struggles this girl. they have almost always had to do with boys.

but this heart struggle is different. it has nothing to do with boys, but it goes to the very centre of her being.

and she is scared this girl. scared in a way she only remembers being once before. because this is the very essence of her.

the research terrifies her more and more. she wonders if she has said goodbye to something without even knowing. without even appreciating it. she wonders if she was to blame in some way.

and she feels helpless. completely and utterly useless. she has no plan. she doesn't understand. all she can do it sit here and be scared.

so no, there are no pretty pictures to this post. because with what she saw today her heart broke.

and now all she sees are the million little pieces.

the vulture speaks

Seriously?!

You are a complete and utter moron. Shame on you for doing what you did, but then shame of me for being such a shocking judge of your character.

If I am honest I am appalled at some of your behaviour whilst we were on the programme. The most shocking parts of your behaviour I kept pretty much to myself. I did this because you were a friend and because I did not want your reputation to be tainted. I could have but I didn’t.

Since then you behaved like a child with the situation we found ourselves in. A situation I have to add became what it was because of your immaturity. Again I turned a blind eye, because I figured you should be allowed to deal with it in your own way.

You then chose to hurt someone who means a lot to me. You took her for granted and treated her with little respect. You made her feel worth very little. Then when you decided things were ok for you, you expected her to take you back into her life with no repercussions.

She is a better woman than I for she did.

Try though I might, to remember that this was not a slight to me, I did find it trying to pretend the way you did that nothing was wrong. This was the turning point. Despite what we had, I saw facets in your personality that did not sit well with someone I wanted to remain close to. I thought we could just then be acquaintances. I even extended you my hospitality, perhaps somehow hoping to rebuild those bridges.

Your behaviour when we met again was initially despicable. But yet I forgave you and chose to say nothing.

But now THIS…

You had every opportunity to clarify your “conspiracy theories” with either of us. You chose not to. You chose instead to continue with the slander. You called yourself friend. The cheek!

I do not have to explain anything to you, but know this. Your theories were ridiculously and utterly wrong. Whatever has happened between me, him and her is really none of your goddamned business.

And since you know NOTHING about what has happened what really gives you the right to judge?

When you know HALF the story should you really be making such despicable conclusions?

You are a child amongst adults. You throw tantrums when you don’t get what you want. You’re selfish, immature, cowardly, sly and just generally a nasty piece of work. More so, because you martyr yourself when you really are no martyr sir.

And when this anger subsides, I wash my hands of you.

We’re through.

Photo courtesy of James Sagi Kirshenfeld on Flickr.

when we lose our humanity

With images like these I wonder how anyone could justify eating Shark's Fin Soup?

Yes we are the top of the food chain. There is however no need for this senseless torture.

Time and time again we lose sight of our humanity.

And if we lose that, do we not lose the very essence of being human?


Images taken from womaninawetsuit.blogspot.com

Sometimes love just ain't enough

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough
Patty Smyth

Now, I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to use you
just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you, but I don't
want to be the one to cry.
And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door.

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Now, I could never change you, I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

And there's no way home, when it's late at
night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you, where I used to lay?

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.
Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough.

Time and time again this is brought home.

But really, shouldn't it? Shouldn't it be enough?

spiderwebs

Stranger,

How conflicted I feel towards you.

I understand the position you're in. I just don't understand why it seems so complicated to you when it is definitely not. To me it looks like sheer cowardice on your part. And it's SO unflattering and SO out of character and I am SO disappointed in you, yet I empathise and wonder how you are.

When perhaps my feelings towards the situation we found ourselves in should have mattered and made a difference, you took matters into your own hands. This was perhaps due to your own feelings of guilt. However, you refused to see that those actions had repercussions on me.

And in this clash of bumbling elephants I feel very much like collateral damage. Uncalled for and highly unnecessary.

Feeling lost and powerless, it frustrates me that this situation could be so easily resolved if you two elephants would sit and talk. Honestly, frankly with mutual love and respect. You would think that two with such a seemingly close bond could do this. Are you scared? Because it's easier to forgive a total stranger than it is to forgive a friend?

And now I've lost the pair of you, and there's not a darned thing i can do about it.

My what a tangled web we weave...

what i hate about you

you'll never read this because i'll never send it but here's what I hate about you:-

i. i don't hate that you betrayed my trust the way you did that summer. everyone makes mistakes. what i hate about the happenings of that summer is how you behaved after. i hate that you couldn't forgive yourself for it and ended up hurting me again by this inability.

ii. i hate that having betrayed my trust, you did not do all you could to rebuild it.

iii. i hate the way you gave up, just when there was a break in the clouds.

iv. i hate that when you decided to end it, you didn't have the respect or the love to put a real full stop on it. you wanted to end it, you should have had the courtesy to stick to that decision. not change your mind every two weeks the way you did. i loved you still, i was going to cling to every hope and every scrap you gave me. it was your responsibility. you failed.

v. i hate that when i was clearly not in a position to take care of myself, you, instead of taking care of me, were upset that i was not taking your feelings into consideration.

vi. i hate that you lapped up my forgiveness, but gave none in return. i hate that you messed up in ways at least equal, if not more, to how i messed up, but yet i am apparently the bigger baddie.

vii. i hate that after i left you decided to have your cake and eat it too.

viii. i hate that when i initially refused to lean on you after i left, you coaxed me into it, only to drop me when it got too hard.

ix. i hate that having betrayed my trust in that way the first time, for all intents and purposes you did it again 2 years after. i hate how having done so, you stick by the belief that you did nothing wrong. but you refuse to tell people what you did for shame of being judged. i hate how in the lead up to your doing it again you allowed me to believe that i was the insane one.

x. i hate how you put her on a pedestal and refused to see that she gave up on you. it was not and is not just the distance. she just didn't want to try. i hate how because of this, you were so happy to lose me.

xi. i hate the selfish way in which you handled the very end, when i tried to consider you every step of the way.

xii. i hate that you made promises at that end, of which you have broken each and every one.

xiii. i hate that you want me to think we can be friends in the future, but you burn every bridge in the present.

xiv. i hate that i wonder how you are and what you're up to. i hate that i wonder if and how you think of me. i hate that this probably means that i don't really hate you.

another unexpected curve ball

So i thought I had well and truly said goodbye to the unexpected. I contemplated telling him I missed him today, decided against it. Thank goodness I did. I instead asked him something fairly important about the house keeping that comes at the end of any relationship. Who gets the dog and all that malarkey. This was a nice housekeeping thing, I had bought him a present to cheer him up before things went Pete tong and wanted to pass it to him via someone.

Then he threw me a curve ball. Essentially saying, knowing that I considered us over, that he is angry, he was busy, he wants time to cool down and would speak to me to try and work things out in a few weeks.

WTF!

So he disappears without a trace having not been considerate for the gazillionth time, and he's angry at me?! On what grounds?! Oh yes, this would be the part where I am left in the dark and he isn't. Pffft :p

Having decided that it's not important enough to shed at least a little light on the situation for the moment, he then decides the course my life is going to take for the next few weeks by saying he will be ready to discuss his own agenda in a few weeks. Forgive me for thinking this is extremely presumptuous.

Oh yes because I will really fall over my feet to accommodate someone who seemingly doesn't even have enough respect for me to keep me posted about things that greatly affect me.

"I didn't want to sort it, so you had to call it off, but that's not good enough for me and makes me angry, but i don't care to tell you even basically why at the moment. All that matters is i know the full story and can assess it, then when I deem necessary, I will think about it and tell you why you were the cow. And when I tell you why you should agree with me and retract your resignation from my life"

"Yes you should wait for me, but no I'm not going to give you reason to, you should just wait."

The gall!