on who I am

"Life is a series of choices. A big combination of moments. Little ones that add up to big ones that create who you are"

Will Schuster

and I need for this next phase of my life to happen.

because I need a life that is...

more than this

more than me.

more.

Picture courtesy of angus clyne on Flickr!

Apologise

Lyrics speak to me, for the simple reason that they say what you feel in beautiful beautiful ways.

Lately I have been dreaming, I always do. It tells me that my soul is ok. I worry when I do not. 

In my dreams of late, people from my past pop up in unusual places and situations. Last night it was a dream of Hitman and bumping into him at my friend's (who has superhero powers) wedding. He was a friend of the bride. I miss you Hitman. Pat your self on the back for me *grin*

But, I digress. There is one character that appears in my dreams every so often. The dreamer in me wants to believe that this happens when we both feel the loss of that friendship. The realist in me realises that it's probably just me and the fact that grudges are not my natural state of being.

There was a time when this song was indeed true of this relationship of mine. I did love this person with a fire red and it did turn blue. And no I would not take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you. No longer, not any more. It really is too late to apologise.

Apologise or not though, I forgive you. As Ghandi once said- If we practice and eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, soon the whole world will be blind and toothless. The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the Strong.

So really, there is no shame in saying it would be nice to one day, once again, be able to take a fall for you. There is no shame in saying I miss you.

dream dream dream, when i need you...

I'd like to be married to you now.

Pleasethankyou.

Image Courtesy of Steena on Flicker.

a dream is a wish your heart makes

when you're fast asleep

because...

even when you've been granted the serenity to accept the things you cannot change

sometimes, when all is said and done

the heart still yearns...

Dreaming with a Broken Heart

John Mayer

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The waking up is the hardest part

You roll outta bed and down on your knees

And for the moment you can hardly breathe

Wondering was she really here?

Is she standing in my room?

No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The giving up is the hardest part

She takes you in with her crying eyes

Then all at once you have to say goodbye

Wondering could you stay my love?

Will you wake up by my side?

No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands

Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?

Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?

Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my , roses in my hands?

Would you get them if i did?

No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The waking up is the hardest part

Image Courtesy of Deepa.Praveen on Flickr.

to you who may never read this

Dear Children- who- are- hopefully- in- our- future,

I have been toying with writing this for the longest time, but I was worried I would jinx it. Then I realised that jinxing it is not possible as it's all in God's hands.

I am about 15 weeks from marrying Baba (he has decided that is what you will call him, I'm not sure you have a choice in this matter. I on the other hand can't quite decide what you should call me yet. Apparently ibu will take you a while to say) and we're both quite excited.

I'm writing this because I'm not sure we will have you in our future as it's not for us to dictate, but I wanted you to know that in our decisions for our future, you already factor in.

In case I forget, I want you to remind me to tell you one day how Baba proposed, because it's a funny little story that I think you may appreciate.

If you're a girl, know that we decided on your name a sunny day in May when Baba and I were putt- putting around on a dinky motorbike in Koh Samui. I picked your name, whatever he says! He just agreed it was lovely.

If you're a boy, then the credit (or curses?) for your name go to him. He texted me one humid night in July when I was at a beach party and he was being the old man that he is at home. He had just read your name in a book called "Freakonomics" that forecasted popular names in the future. He was desperate that you have a "hip" name as unfortunately you are the product of two geeks.

I wanted you to know that you matter. Whether we ever have the privilege of meeting you. And that years before you even appeared, you were already loved.

Me x x

image courtesy of *Mama*Lola* on Flickr

to be twitterpated

and you,
a windrose, a compass,
my direction, my description of the world.

-Ian Burgham

Most people who know her know of her silly preposterous chain of events that will ultimately lead to her wedding. These flights of fancy aside however she has been worrying lately that she has become rather jaded and desensitised in matters of the heart. She doesn't know if this is simply growing up or if she is just in some way... broken.

She used to fall helplessly, hopelessly, accidentally in love. It has been years since this last happened. She used to pray that she be made insensitive a la Jann Arden. Now that she might possibly be that, she misses what she was. Maybe it wasn't so bad after all. Those lowest lows that made the highest highs possible.

She now thinks through it more. She's more afraid to take that blind leap of faith into the abyss. And because of this, when things go pear shaped, she doesn't weep and feel the raw emotions she used to. She just accepts that it wasn't working or wasn't going to work and moves on.

She feels... just not so acutely.

She still loves the sappy love songs. But ultimately the ones that reverberate in her soul are the ones that make no promises of everafter. She sees more romanticism in the ones that don't. The ones that see their human failings and hope that their personal brand of love is enough, despite those failings. The ones that are simply more honest. Like this one....

"And who am I to tell you that I would never let you down
That no-one else could love you half as much as I do now
And who am I to tell you I'll always catch you when you fall
Well I, I wouldn't be myself at all
I wouldn't be myself at all, at all"

Who Am I by Will Young

At the end of the day, for her it's the words. It's always been the words. It's not the Alexandrite ring, the daisies or the white marquee. She has moved from Frost to Donne. Maybe it's not desensitisation. Maybe it's just that now, more than ever, the honesty matters. It's the words...

Photo from the collection of Jeanine Payer.

the sweetest thing

Image courtesy of Vijayal on Flickr

"Will you be my shoulder
When I'm grey and older
Promise me tomorrow starts with you"


High
James Blunt

heaven on earth

I want to go here!

Pretty pretty please?

*koff koff*

And yet again I am ill. Think I may be allergic to this work malarkey *giggles* I got stubborn and refused to go the the clinic insisting that it would all blow over. Worked for a bit till i realised that I really only was OK between ten in the morning and three in the afternoon. So Buddy got fed up and hauled my cute, not-so-little, patootie into the clinic yesterday. Which has resulted in me getting today off. And I actually think it's done wonders. So bless his little cotton socks. For that and for keeping me company, and for the mangoes and the soup that he brought over.

He loves me *big grin*

And I have weddings on my brain! I dreamt that Buddy proposed to me a few nights ago. It was in his telly room with a ring that confused me. It was one of them dual band jobs, the bands were encrusted with diamonds culminating in a bigger central diamond. I guess it confused me because I felt that the many little diamonds on the band took away from the central stone and he would have been better off with just one stone for the same amount of money. Simplicity goes a long way I think. I remember feeling a little confused but then also at the same time really really happy. Then he ran off to ask my parents' permission and next thing I knew I was pregnant. Go figure!

Been looking at dream dictionaries to see what this means and apparently, the pregnancy symbolises new beginnings or new projects that haven't yet been fully formed. The reaction I had upon receiving the ring is how I truly feel about the relationship and the ring itself symbolises that the relationship is something I am committed to.

So anyone that knows me well has probably heard about my whole fantasy of how I want to meet "the one". Here goes nothing:-

I want to meet him in an elevator and get stuck in there with him for four hours or so where we would just talk and talk. We'd eventually get out and go our separate ways only to realise a little later that we'd actually fallen in love. Then [insert miracle] we would suddenly find each other again despite only knowing each other's first name. We would date for a year or so and he would propose. Not big on the long convoluted courtship because:-

i. I think falling in love is not a decision but staying in love is. I believe you know which way you'll decide very soon after meeting the person. You know if it will work and if you want it to work. But only if you're "there" and asking yourself those questions.

ii. I'm really not getting any younger and I would like to have kids when I'm young enough to play with them. I'd like to enjoy being married before having kids and I'd like to be able to retire with the person I've chosen to grow old with, having fulfilled my commitments to my children and having seen them safely into adulthood.

iii. The world is full of fish, why keep nurturing the same one when you know you're not interested in that breed?

[It sounds terribly practical I know, but having been in two long term serious relationships that amounted to very little my outlook's changed just a tad]

Anyway back to the dream, he would propose to me, with an Alexandrite engagement ring [Because diamonds are far too cliche] on the summer solstice, when the sun sets on the longest day of the year, in a field full of daisies. He'd ride in on a tandem bicycle singing "Daisy daisy, tell me you love me do. I'm half crazy but for the love of you. It won't be a stylish marriage. I can't afford a carriage. But you'd look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two" [I know my name's not Daisy, and there are no fields of daisies in Brunei, but a girl can dream] I would laugh, say yes, clamber on the bike and ride off into the sunset with him.

The wedding would be in a big giant marquee a-la the last scenes in "My Best Friend's Wedding". With a giant dance floor and a great swing band. There would be Lindy hop instructors teaching a basic Lindy class in the first hour or so of the reception and instructors roaming around throughout the event so some fun Lindy goes on all night. Sean Ghazi would sing because he, above all singers, brings together both my eastern and western- ness. Who else does it more eloquently than he, when he sings "Hujan di Tengah Hari" [Which translates to "Rain at Midday"] with the oh- so- recognisable music from "Singing In the Rain" in the break of the song. Combining my western mind and eastern soul with such finesse.

So that is the fantasy *giggle*. Do I need it all? No. Not at all. But it's fun to think of no? At the bottom of this silly little romantic heart of mine, all I really need is someone who will grow old with me.