on forgiveness

for·give
Pronunciation: f&r-'giv, for-
1 a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for b : to grant relief from payment of
2 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : PARDON

Pictures of debauchery from years gone by we posted recently and I looked back with pleasure. I really did LIVE in uni and I hope I continue to do so the rest of my days.

Pictures of him and I were posted. Pictures I'd never seen. Snapshots of what we looked like to the outside world. We were what people wanted to be and it showed from those shots. As i looked through these new perspectives on old memories I did wonder if I ever want him back in my life.

Perhaps for the rest of my life, when I look at such stills, certain bars of "Goodbye My Lover" by James Blunt will play. Certain genre's of music with a particular cadence will always make me wonder. Snow Patrol, Aqualung, Goldfrapp, Coldplay, David Gray will always be coloured by regret, by curiosity, by bittersweet, by him.

Were he to reappear in my life now I would be at a loss for what to say or do.

Instinct tells me I would tell him to go away. I have forgiven and I have moved on, however I believe that unless certain truths are realised and admitted, on principle, I could not carry on any sort of relationship. It was a betrayal of the core and unless I'm certain that it was understood how that hurt was caused, I am unwilling to put myself in a situation where it could happen again.

Having said all this though, I know I want him at my wedding if I ever do get married.

The question is, can I really say I've forgiven? Can you regret moments in your life and yet still say that you're dealt with those demons? Does regret in the absence of resentment equate to forgiveness? Is an unwillingness to accept him in my life indicative of a lack of forgiveness? Or is it just prudence not to want him there anymore considering everything?