all my bags are (not quite) packed

... and i'm (not quite) ready to go

Today I started packing. 

A little anal I know as the move is 10 weeks away. But the elves that Santa is lending me to help me move are leaving in approximately 3 weeks and seeing as how I don't know how much stuff is moving with me I thought I should make full use of the said elves.

and as I thought of packing, suddenly the magnitude of what I am doing HIT me.

I do not know how to pack for this move. i lived away for almost a decade and never had a problem. some moves were more bitter than others. leaving England was painful to say the very least. but none before this one has had quite this much finality. it is a somewhat edifying thought that mum and dad are not turning my room into a home gym, that they're not taking down the photographs and boxing away the trophies. that they will keep this room mine. that there will always be room here for me.

but it doesn't change the fact that below the surface, this move is a resounding close to life as i know it. i don't mourn it's passing. i am excited beyond measure for the start of the new chapter and i know from the very core of me that i have chosen the right man to keep me company on this journey. but i mourn all that i leave behind. or more accurately, who i leave behind.

i am rubbish at goodbyes. i don't know how to to them without a stuffed up nose, red eyes and a tear stained face. and this will be one giant goodbye won't it?

yes yes i know that it's only two hours flight away, and the internet is great and all that malarkey, but really, let's not ease the blow. i am leaving everything that has been a constant in this nomadic life of mine. and it was that constant that made it a little bit easier. it's like that bit from my favourite Donne poem

If they be two, they are two so

As stiff twin compasses are two;

Thy soul, the fix'd foot, makes no show

To move, but doth, if th' other do.

And though it in the centre sit,

Yet, when the other far doth roam,

It leans and hearkens after it,

And grows erect, as that comes home.

A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning

John Donne

i don't know how to leave Mum and Dad. i don't know how to cope with knowing that i will never live under the same roof as them anymore. i don't know how to deal with the fact that should something happen, i will not be there. i will instead be at the mercy of aeroplane schedules. can i really make sure they're ok from that distance? is it normal to feel like you're breaking a promise you made to them at birth? the promise that you would be there for them when they're old and grey, that you would make sure that they're ok?

there's that story about the person with the patchwork heart. you know the one. about the person who gave pieces of his heart to people that he met. well it's always felt a little like that for me. now more so than ever. because the pieces of my heart will definitely be separated by the seas.

like i said, i'm rubbish at goodbyes.

image courtesy of mainemomma2007 on Flickr.

on rain

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass

It's about learning to dance in the rain...

Image Courtesy of xmonstermaggie on Flickr

the many facets

Light hits a surface and reflects at different angles.

Perhaps this is a lot like Love.


For is there more Love...

... in letting your mask fall and knowing that you can ask for help from that one person when you're drowning?

or

... in realising that watching someone you love flounder is painful and scary and so choosing to keep your drowning to yourself?


Maybe there's not a lot between them.

Maybe it's just Love reflecting.


Photo courtesy of Karin Elizabeth on Flickr.

in the looking glass

it now blares out at her undeniably that she has abandonment issues

Image courtesy of |ash| on Flickr.

i'm looking for baggage...

the course of your life can change with one simple action. similarly your outlook on life i suppose can change with a gesture, a person, a moment.

i don't know one person in their mid twenties without baggage. some travel lighter than others, but ultimately we all have baggage.

my heaviest items are anxiety and insecurity. i know where it started, but perhaps my natural temperament only exacerbated the situation. The BFG says I have this need to be everything to everyone, I deny his triumphant proclamation vehemently, but perhaps it's true that I protest too much.

for almost as long as I remember, I have tried to give more than what is expected. with this comes the natural desire to preempt a request before it's even formulated. it kept me one step ahead.

but i remember a relationship where i just couldn't preempt. looking back, it was so very unfair. he expected me to know what he wanted, even before he knew he wanted it. the lasting memory I have of this, is the many times when he would ask me to keep him company a little longer, only to then have to deal with the fall out when he decided that I had over stayed my welcome.

this to- ing and fro- ing left me ridiculously anxious and insecure. i constantly felt like i was treading on egg shells. and i think in many ways I have been ever since. i constantly get hyper- sensitive and pick up discomfort when there isn't any. because previously such vibes in the air normally preceded the man in question wanting to walk out on me.

and logically i know it's ridiculous to figure that everyone will expect me to preempt them. and it's silly to be anxious and insecure when I detect even the slightest change in someone's rhythms.

it must be infuriating to see it from the other end.

i need to somehow trust again that just because one can change one's mind in a heartbeat, doesn't mean that one will. and even if one does, i need to trust that I don't need to have foreseen it.

perhaps i am simply looking for baggage that matches mine...


Image courtesy of Jonnyfez on Flickr.

what makes her reel

She realises that she doesn't deal with disappointment well. In fact that is perhaps an understatement. She in fact deals with it badly. It often reduces her to tears.

She also realises that this is really not a good thing.

It's strange when you think of it, because she has taken some fairly hard knocks and she bounces back from them. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but she always bounces back.

She realises however that the ones she tends to take the worst almost always involve her significant other. With her friends she thinks she is more forgiving and so she is disappointed less.

She wonders why this is so. She believes it is symptomatic of a deeper more fundamental fear. She just wishes she knew what it was....

She thinks it might be linked to a fear of abandonment because she takes partings very badly too.

She thinks she needs a shrink.

Photo courtesy of DaizyB on Flickr.

to live by

Abandon doubt Be adventurous Call Dance Eat cake Forgive easily Give joy Hope Initiate romance Just say yes Kiss discriminately Love passionately Make out more Not in public Open your heart Play Quench desire Reciprocate Save yourself Touch Upset convention Vary technique Wear very fine lingerie X- rate often Yearn Zip

money it's so funny

Argh!

Where in the world is Robert Kiyosaki?!

The interview with God

I stumbled across the interview with God on Jukebox's blog. It's wonderful for when you need reminding of the bigger picture.The full poem is beautiful but not unlike those PowerPoint's that every one's received at one point or another. This one line however got me:-

“To learn that it only takes a few seconds
to open profound wounds in those they love,
and it can take many years to heal them.”

It's the term "profound wound" that got me.

pro·found (pr-found, pr-)
adj. pro·found·er, pro·found·est
1. Situated at, extending to, or coming from a great depth; deep.
2. Coming as if from the depths of one's being: profound contempt.
3. Thoroughgoing; far-reaching: profound social changes.
4. Penetrating beyond what is superficial or obvious: a profound insight.
5. Unqualified; absolute: a profound silence.

That all it takes is a second to wound so deeply. I know, I've been there, and I still wonder if those wounds will heal. A lesson worth remembering me thinks.

the things that get us through

I stumbled across this prayer/ poem that I found last year. It was written by a survivor of hurricane Katrina. Take from it what you will. I know I did.

So God grant me the faith to better understand,
That my heartaches are a part of your great plan.
Help me be thankful of angels sent, to aid me
In my time of need, and not resent them.
Help me not blame others for my pain, but rather,
Give me the courage to accept what I can't change.

DO not allow evil to devour me from within,
Leaving my doubting, weary soul darkened to sin.
For Satan preys on the weakened soul, as it
wallows in self pity and grows cold.

So God grant me the strength I need to carry on,
and the faith I need to mend.

Photo courtesy of .martin on Flickr.

simmering

I have discovered:-


i. that I have little patience for people to whom life is perpetually difficult.


ii. that very little patience for people who ooze negativity from their pores.


iii. that I get very annoyed with people who panic and fret unnecessarily



Lord, give me strength to get through this week.

on forgiveness

for·give
Pronunciation: f&r-'giv, for-
1 a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for b : to grant relief from payment of
2 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : PARDON

Pictures of debauchery from years gone by we posted recently and I looked back with pleasure. I really did LIVE in uni and I hope I continue to do so the rest of my days.

Pictures of him and I were posted. Pictures I'd never seen. Snapshots of what we looked like to the outside world. We were what people wanted to be and it showed from those shots. As i looked through these new perspectives on old memories I did wonder if I ever want him back in my life.

Perhaps for the rest of my life, when I look at such stills, certain bars of "Goodbye My Lover" by James Blunt will play. Certain genre's of music with a particular cadence will always make me wonder. Snow Patrol, Aqualung, Goldfrapp, Coldplay, David Gray will always be coloured by regret, by curiosity, by bittersweet, by him.

Were he to reappear in my life now I would be at a loss for what to say or do.

Instinct tells me I would tell him to go away. I have forgiven and I have moved on, however I believe that unless certain truths are realised and admitted, on principle, I could not carry on any sort of relationship. It was a betrayal of the core and unless I'm certain that it was understood how that hurt was caused, I am unwilling to put myself in a situation where it could happen again.

Having said all this though, I know I want him at my wedding if I ever do get married.

The question is, can I really say I've forgiven? Can you regret moments in your life and yet still say that you're dealt with those demons? Does regret in the absence of resentment equate to forgiveness? Is an unwillingness to accept him in my life indicative of a lack of forgiveness? Or is it just prudence not to want him there anymore considering everything?

one step forward two steps back

Just back from watching "Stomp the Yard" with Buddy, 3 of 3 and middle child. Movie was entertaining if you like dance. Having never seen a rugby team performing the Hakka I guess I never fully understood how dance can be aggressive and scary. Parts of this film gave me a bit of an insight into how that's possible. So very different from my own very "smiley; this is how a heart sings" type dancing.

Before the movie we met with Gaea for a coffee. That was, if I'm honest, a little disappointing. Gaea was on top form as she always is when she sees me, but Buddy I felt didn't really try. That bothered me and I have been wondering all night if I'm a cow for letting it bother me quite so much. On some level I knew it was just that though Buddy is lovely he is also a little socially awkward and it was just that he didn't know _how_ to try. Knowing that however doesn't make it better and it's not the first time either. It's almost as if as soon as he's faced with people he doesn't know, if interaction isn't immediately easy, he shuts down and stops trying. I don't know if I find this acceptable.

I was disappointed and a little embarrassed as I'd been talking him up and was let down quite spectacularly. He would try a little with inappropriate humour, then when it wasn't well received he kept turning to me saying he doesn't try a lot as it always leads to awkward silences. Which of course aggravated the awkward silence *doh!*

He clearly has large self- esteem issues and I wonder how much of a problem this will be. If only he would see the intelligent, sensitive man that I see...

I need to try however not be so judgmental and not blow it out of proportion. It was one bad and there will be a few, but that shouldn't be the basis to flee. I don't wanna be Ally McBeal with the salad dressing on her date's face really, or I _will_ be the crazy cat lady.

I'd much rather be the crazy parrot lady though I think.