i'm looking for baggage...

the course of your life can change with one simple action. similarly your outlook on life i suppose can change with a gesture, a person, a moment.

i don't know one person in their mid twenties without baggage. some travel lighter than others, but ultimately we all have baggage.

my heaviest items are anxiety and insecurity. i know where it started, but perhaps my natural temperament only exacerbated the situation. The BFG says I have this need to be everything to everyone, I deny his triumphant proclamation vehemently, but perhaps it's true that I protest too much.

for almost as long as I remember, I have tried to give more than what is expected. with this comes the natural desire to preempt a request before it's even formulated. it kept me one step ahead.

but i remember a relationship where i just couldn't preempt. looking back, it was so very unfair. he expected me to know what he wanted, even before he knew he wanted it. the lasting memory I have of this, is the many times when he would ask me to keep him company a little longer, only to then have to deal with the fall out when he decided that I had over stayed my welcome.

this to- ing and fro- ing left me ridiculously anxious and insecure. i constantly felt like i was treading on egg shells. and i think in many ways I have been ever since. i constantly get hyper- sensitive and pick up discomfort when there isn't any. because previously such vibes in the air normally preceded the man in question wanting to walk out on me.

and logically i know it's ridiculous to figure that everyone will expect me to preempt them. and it's silly to be anxious and insecure when I detect even the slightest change in someone's rhythms.

it must be infuriating to see it from the other end.

i need to somehow trust again that just because one can change one's mind in a heartbeat, doesn't mean that one will. and even if one does, i need to trust that I don't need to have foreseen it.

perhaps i am simply looking for baggage that matches mine...


Image courtesy of Jonnyfez on Flickr.