let down your hair!

*giggle*

Let's just say that after today I won't be playing Rapunzel anytime soon!

the sweetest thing

Image courtesy of Vijayal on Flickr

"Will you be my shoulder
When I'm grey and older
Promise me tomorrow starts with you"


High
James Blunt

The difference between full stops and commas.

So it's Chinese New Year and as in years gone I have gone to Buddha's house. And as every year since the end of that era it's been a little awkward.

He was after all, the highschool sweetheart. The first man I honestly loved enough to want to grow old with. And though we parted on mutual terms. Perhaps there were parts of that goodbye that could have been done with more grace.

In the aftermath, I discovered things about him I would rather not have known. Things that made me doubt certain parts of that puppy love. But no matter. For years now I have considered him no more than an acquaintance. One that meant the world and more to me many moons ago, but nothing more than an acquaintance. For the simple reason that he did not know the woman me, as I did not know him as a man. And for the even simpler reason that I was not interested in knowing the man he was.

But today, with the lion dancers causing the biggest hoi polloi outside his house. I noticed he did not run out with the pure childlike ecstasy that used to engulf such encounters. And as I left I saw in his eyes the sadness of a little lost boy.

Why is it after all these years I can still see the sadness in his eyes? Why do I know still, instinctively, with one glance when something's amiss in his grown up world? And why does my heart still become that little bit heavier in these moments?

Perhaps, despite ourselves, whatever the circumstances, they never really stop mattering.

Perhaps in our heart of hearts all endings are really just commas.


Image courtesy of gudufish on Flickr.

Confessions

And there it was, this picture. Of him. That face. That beautiful decent face.

And in that instant, I was reminded of the future I lost when I lost him.

Being with him, a Malay Muslim man, the first, the only, changed me in so many ways. With him I saw a path I'd never seen before and I realised how badly I wanted to go down that path holding his hand. How, finally, spiritually I understood how much I longed to have a companion on that road to faith. How, I must confess, that parts of me never really want to go down any other path from this point forth.

He was like slipping on an old pair of trousers that I always knew I had, but had forgotten how comfortable they were. With him I had allowed myself to fully indulge in that dream of the future.

I worry about him, about the fact that the company he keeps now is company he always despised before. I wonder why the sudden about face. I wonder which him was the act. And it hurts to know it's none of my business. Not anymore.

And I know it's not fair to miss him. To want him back. And logically I know it cannot work at this point in time and knowing him and how his psyche works I know it may never work again. Perhaps at the demise of it, it's easier to remember what I loved about us. What I adored about him. And what in many ways I still do. Perhaps at the demise of it all it's easier to see la vie en rose.

Whatever the reason, despite the justifications, I must confess...

i miss you

And I wonder how you are and I hate that people know more about you now than I do and I wonder if thoughts of me cross your mind and what those thoughts are.

i miss you

it's that simple. but it's really not. it's that easy but oh so complex

i miss you

i miss you

perhaps if i say it enough and click my heels together...

i miss you

i watch too many fairytales

and i miss you...

Image courtesy of ®°ôn|y Gôd Knôw§°® on Flickr.

it hurts that this may be the only way

Buddy,

In the aftermath...

May God hold you in the palm of His hand

as was sung that one stormy night when Jazz echoed in the halls of a careworn hotel...

I wish you nothing but love


Maroon 5 Lyrics
Nothing Lasts Forever Lyrics