on being "that girl"

as far back as I can remember, I have always been "that girl".

you know the one. the one with the starry look in her eyes everytime she met someone new. the one that was convinced that every man she dated was the one she would marry.

I've never been one to date "for the experience" or to "play the field". it was always done with the intention of forever. the wedding, the kids, the rest of the whole sha- bang... i guess that was always on the periphery but not the heart of the matter.

a lovely boy i used to date found this all a little strange. he dated because he liked someone without the thought of the possible future. he didn't get it when i said that as much as i didn't need to know the future now, i just needed to know that that sliver of possibility was there. it scared him a little and made me question my normalcy a lot.

but i think that somewhere in our heart of hearts, most girls have a part of them that is "that girl". it's in our genes, in the Disney we watched, the fairytales we were read, the hope we cradle.

i tried not to be "that girl". it ended in quite a few amusing.. shall we call them blips? amusing for me now, but not then. and definitely not amusing for the blips i think.

and then i came to terms with it.

it's ok that I am "that girl".

because he is and has always been "that boy"

*smile*

Image Courtesy of jesusroxslm on Flickr.

to you who may never read this

Dear Children- who- are- hopefully- in- our- future,

I have been toying with writing this for the longest time, but I was worried I would jinx it. Then I realised that jinxing it is not possible as it's all in God's hands.

I am about 15 weeks from marrying Baba (he has decided that is what you will call him, I'm not sure you have a choice in this matter. I on the other hand can't quite decide what you should call me yet. Apparently ibu will take you a while to say) and we're both quite excited.

I'm writing this because I'm not sure we will have you in our future as it's not for us to dictate, but I wanted you to know that in our decisions for our future, you already factor in.

In case I forget, I want you to remind me to tell you one day how Baba proposed, because it's a funny little story that I think you may appreciate.

If you're a girl, know that we decided on your name a sunny day in May when Baba and I were putt- putting around on a dinky motorbike in Koh Samui. I picked your name, whatever he says! He just agreed it was lovely.

If you're a boy, then the credit (or curses?) for your name go to him. He texted me one humid night in July when I was at a beach party and he was being the old man that he is at home. He had just read your name in a book called "Freakonomics" that forecasted popular names in the future. He was desperate that you have a "hip" name as unfortunately you are the product of two geeks.

I wanted you to know that you matter. Whether we ever have the privilege of meeting you. And that years before you even appeared, you were already loved.

Me x x

image courtesy of *Mama*Lola* on Flickr

To Ulanbataar with Love

Absence makes the heart grow fonder they say. And it does because I miss him. More so than normal because He's not just a phone call or a text message away.

He's off in a far off land that is but a concept to me, doing what he does best.

I guess even with the distance, you get used to being in touch and I feel strangely robbed of him despite knowing that it's only for a while. Despite never really having him here in the first place.

Last weekend was wonderful in the most obscure of ways. We did nothing of consequence but everything that mattered and it heralded a future filled with nothing, but everything to me. 

And to be without him in its wake leaves me feeling a little out of sorts.

For in a relationship like ours, without the contact, what are we? Little more than an invisible glittery string that stretches across the seas I think.

It reminds me that it's too easy to take his being "around" for granted. It reminds me of this, sappy though that may be.

i carry your heart with me

E.E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it

(anywhere i go you go,my dear;

and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate

(for you are my fate,my sweet)

i want no world

(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root

and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky

of a tree called life;

which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart

(i carry it in my heart)

image courtesy of Lars F. Menzel on Flickr

for all the little things

that He does *smile*

because...

 unable to share this Ramadhan with me

He calls me each Sahur

and makes me happier than I ever imagined I could be

Image courtesy of  blueberrymom on Flickr.

random fact number 632

She loves jelly.

She thinks it is one of the best types of comfort food.

The colours make her smile.

The texture makes her giggle.

And it makes her tummy happy.

So there *grin*

Image courtesy of Keith Kerr on Flickr.