to you who may never read this

Dear Children- who- are- hopefully- in- our- future,

I have been toying with writing this for the longest time, but I was worried I would jinx it. Then I realised that jinxing it is not possible as it's all in God's hands.

I am about 15 weeks from marrying Baba (he has decided that is what you will call him, I'm not sure you have a choice in this matter. I on the other hand can't quite decide what you should call me yet. Apparently ibu will take you a while to say) and we're both quite excited.

I'm writing this because I'm not sure we will have you in our future as it's not for us to dictate, but I wanted you to know that in our decisions for our future, you already factor in.

In case I forget, I want you to remind me to tell you one day how Baba proposed, because it's a funny little story that I think you may appreciate.

If you're a girl, know that we decided on your name a sunny day in May when Baba and I were putt- putting around on a dinky motorbike in Koh Samui. I picked your name, whatever he says! He just agreed it was lovely.

If you're a boy, then the credit (or curses?) for your name go to him. He texted me one humid night in July when I was at a beach party and he was being the old man that he is at home. He had just read your name in a book called "Freakonomics" that forecasted popular names in the future. He was desperate that you have a "hip" name as unfortunately you are the product of two geeks.

I wanted you to know that you matter. Whether we ever have the privilege of meeting you. And that years before you even appeared, you were already loved.

Me x x

image courtesy of *Mama*Lola* on Flickr

To Ulanbataar with Love

Absence makes the heart grow fonder they say. And it does because I miss him. More so than normal because He's not just a phone call or a text message away.

He's off in a far off land that is but a concept to me, doing what he does best.

I guess even with the distance, you get used to being in touch and I feel strangely robbed of him despite knowing that it's only for a while. Despite never really having him here in the first place.

Last weekend was wonderful in the most obscure of ways. We did nothing of consequence but everything that mattered and it heralded a future filled with nothing, but everything to me. 

And to be without him in its wake leaves me feeling a little out of sorts.

For in a relationship like ours, without the contact, what are we? Little more than an invisible glittery string that stretches across the seas I think.

It reminds me that it's too easy to take his being "around" for granted. It reminds me of this, sappy though that may be.

i carry your heart with me

E.E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it

(anywhere i go you go,my dear;

and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate

(for you are my fate,my sweet)

i want no world

(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root

and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky

of a tree called life;

which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart

(i carry it in my heart)

image courtesy of Lars F. Menzel on Flickr

for all the little things

that He does *smile*

because...

 unable to share this Ramadhan with me

He calls me each Sahur

and makes me happier than I ever imagined I could be

Image courtesy of  blueberrymom on Flickr.

random fact number 632

She loves jelly.

She thinks it is one of the best types of comfort food.

The colours make her smile.

The texture makes her giggle.

And it makes her tummy happy.

So there *grin*

Image courtesy of Keith Kerr on Flickr.

a better man

so I was reading today about someone's unrequited love. you know the one. most of us have one of them, the one you feel got away either because things just didn't work out the way you planned or just because you never got around to saying anything.

i used to have one of them. i said goodbye to him a while ago. because i realised there was a difference between what i wanted to see and what was actually there.

but this post really isn't about him. it's about a far better man.

throughout the course of the past few days or so i've had moments when it just randomly enters my mind that I love this better man. and it's a strange, humbling, heart warming moment everytime it happens.

the man in my past chose to betray my trust. he then came back, seeking my forgiveness. i took him back. his reasons for his betrayal were manifold, i forgave him because i loved him still and i made the excuses i had to in order to justify my reaction. now looking back, i see that there is a reason an excuse is an excuse.

he blamed it on the distance. said he was feeling down and lonesome and needed the company. i'm not even sure he apologised. i think he just made excuses.

in the months after, he got angry that I wasn't over it, upset that I found it hard to trust him, didn't do much to ease my soul into trusting him again and the biggest kicker of them all, he eventually left because he could not cope with the guilt he felt having betrayed me in the first place.

*LOL* What a load of baloney! and i fell for it too. hook, line and sinker.

this better man though, he's different in the most wonderful of ways. he thought long and hard before we even got together if he could deal with me being a plane ride away. when he finally realised that me a plane ride away was better than no me at all, he made it very clear that he would find it ridiculously difficult. it was a very practical thing to say in a moment supposed to be rose tinted, but now i realise it is the essence of what makes him better.

he struggles with this distance, yet through it all i see that he's determined to persevere. he doesn't blame it for any of the problems that crop up, but rather he tries to find ways to make it work in spite of the distance. because he is a better man.

he never said it was do- able, he simply said he would try. he never said he was ok with it, never pretended it was a breeze, he simply acknowledged it was a problem and moved on. because he is a better man.

Resoundingly, I can say that there is no other. there is no "one who got away". there are no "what if's". not for me. not anymore.

it wasn't a moment in a field full of daisies, there was no bicycle built for two. it was not the summer solstice. But it was perfect in it's own awkward, quintessentially He way.

I have been blessed with a better man. and i could not ask for more.

Image courtesy of ccurtiz on Flickr.