a better man

so I was reading today about someone's unrequited love. you know the one. most of us have one of them, the one you feel got away either because things just didn't work out the way you planned or just because you never got around to saying anything.

i used to have one of them. i said goodbye to him a while ago. because i realised there was a difference between what i wanted to see and what was actually there.

but this post really isn't about him. it's about a far better man.

throughout the course of the past few days or so i've had moments when it just randomly enters my mind that I love this better man. and it's a strange, humbling, heart warming moment everytime it happens.

the man in my past chose to betray my trust. he then came back, seeking my forgiveness. i took him back. his reasons for his betrayal were manifold, i forgave him because i loved him still and i made the excuses i had to in order to justify my reaction. now looking back, i see that there is a reason an excuse is an excuse.

he blamed it on the distance. said he was feeling down and lonesome and needed the company. i'm not even sure he apologised. i think he just made excuses.

in the months after, he got angry that I wasn't over it, upset that I found it hard to trust him, didn't do much to ease my soul into trusting him again and the biggest kicker of them all, he eventually left because he could not cope with the guilt he felt having betrayed me in the first place.

*LOL* What a load of baloney! and i fell for it too. hook, line and sinker.

this better man though, he's different in the most wonderful of ways. he thought long and hard before we even got together if he could deal with me being a plane ride away. when he finally realised that me a plane ride away was better than no me at all, he made it very clear that he would find it ridiculously difficult. it was a very practical thing to say in a moment supposed to be rose tinted, but now i realise it is the essence of what makes him better.

he struggles with this distance, yet through it all i see that he's determined to persevere. he doesn't blame it for any of the problems that crop up, but rather he tries to find ways to make it work in spite of the distance. because he is a better man.

he never said it was do- able, he simply said he would try. he never said he was ok with it, never pretended it was a breeze, he simply acknowledged it was a problem and moved on. because he is a better man.

Resoundingly, I can say that there is no other. there is no "one who got away". there are no "what if's". not for me. not anymore.

it wasn't a moment in a field full of daisies, there was no bicycle built for two. it was not the summer solstice. But it was perfect in it's own awkward, quintessentially He way.

I have been blessed with a better man. and i could not ask for more.

Image courtesy of ccurtiz on Flickr.

What if...

What if we stop having a ball?

What if the paint chips from the wall?

What if there's always cups in the sink?

What if I'm not what you think I am?

What if I fall further than you?

What if you dream of somebody new?

What if I never let you win, chase you with a rolling pin?

Well what if I do?

I am giving up on making passes

and I am giving up on half empty glassess

and I am giving up on greener grasses.

I am giving up.

What if our baby comes home after nine?

What it your eyes close before mine?

What if you lose yourself sometimes?

Then I'll be the one to find you Safe in my heart.

I am giving up on making passes

and I am giving up on half empty glassess

and I am giving up on greener grasses. I am giving up.
I am giving up.
I am giving up.

I am giving up on greener grasses. I am giving up for you.
I am giving up for you.
I am giving up

Giving Up
Ingrid Michaelson

yet another little piece

as i start to let go of this lifetime

piece by piece

i am reminded everyday

of the things i will leave behind

and i know i will yearn

for the beauty in these Brunei skies


Photo Courtesy of Jasmine Wong.

on being daddy's girl

There is a story that people tell me. Apparently when I was born, Abah took me out into the garden, held me out to the sky and said that everything could be taken away from him but this.

It's a notion that appeals to the melodrama in me. Whether it's true or not, it doesn't really matter I suppose because it's a sentiment that Abah has echoed throughout my life.

We fight. We're similar in that we have strong opinions, stubborn and proud. But he's always hated seeing me cry and I remember many moments in my childhood when he would gather me in his arms after yelling at me and remind me that he only got upset because he loved me. And in those arms, I knew I was safe and I knew that his love was there to stay.

I remember when he went away to study and how I used to climb into the wardrobe where all his clothes were kept when I missed him. Just to pretend that he was around. The songs I made up for him that Mama would record and send over for him to listen to, because phone calls were just too expensive.

And how now, well into my 20's, he's still the first person I call when I'm scared and I need saving.

I came home a few days ago and found Abah asleep on the couch as he is most evenings. I realised that when i leave, I will miss seeing him asleep on the couch. I realised that soon Abah really cannot be the first man in my life.

I wonder how much longer I'm allowed to be Daddy's girl. And how I can even come close to letting him know just how much he means to me.

Photo courtesy of 62Lofu on Flickr.

the ties that bind

I have often wondered what the big deal was with engagement rings. Sure I get that being engaged is a big thing. But is the ring a part of that?

Perhaps now I get it.

It's a tie that binds. It's a solid reminder of the promises that you have made. A physical manifestation of the future that awaits.

It says.. I'm serious about this, I'm serious about wanting you in my life.

It whispers... Grow Old with Me. The Best is Yet to Be...

Image courtesy of MHA Photography/ Michele on Flickr.

and I can hardly wait

Cause it's you and me and all other people
with nothing to do
nothing to prove
and it's you and me and all other people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

You and Me
Lifehouse

Sans

She kids herself by saying that the reason for this melancholy is the post holiday blues. But really she knows better.

The fact is this, He makes her smile. And being without him is like having an ice cream sundae without the cherry. You still enjoy the ice cream. You don’t need the cherry. It just tops it off nicely.

She has done this before, but somehow this time is just that little bit different and this difference is bemusing her no end.

Because the difference is that she knows they have a million tomorrows, but they don’t have today. It is the sweetest, most charming, realization that is making this, that much harder. The perfect oxymoron.

She was a little concerned a few weeks ago about how it would be spending day in day out with him. Their relationship was based on being apart. Prior to getting together they had in fact spent the equivalent of about half a day alone in each other’s company. She worried about the dynamics of it all. She wondered if being able to bounce off each other in company and being able to have the funniest, most heartfelt online chats would transcend.

She has since learnt since then that being with him was, from the very beginning, strangely natural and so very easy. She is obstinate, paranoid, and occasionally unreasonable. She is impatient, hot tempered and occasionally caustic. She is certainly far from perfect. It sparks, not because she thinks He’s perfect but rather because she likes that He isn’t. She likes his idiosyncrasies and that in these idiosyncrasies He is perfect, if only for her.

And this time it’s harder because of the promise He holds. Because this time the promise is tangible, but still just barely out of her reach. Because despite being more in control of the situation she can’t make tomorrow come any quicker. As Harry said "when you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible".

So no, it’s not the post holiday blues. It’s just ice cream sans cherries.

Image courtesy of photomato on Flickr.

on empty beach benches

RINDU!

You owe me a sunset Mister

and some ice cream...

*smile*

Image courtesy of juga4ka on Flickr.

he...

... has made an appearance in this blog before. however the name attributed to him then is no longer applicable.

She feels the differance in this, in that she does not feel the need to trumpet it from the rooftops. She wants to, because it makes her happy, however there is no need. There is such a marvel and a wonder to that statement that she is still very much getting used to. She is just comfortable in knowing she is with him and he with her. And that's enough.

So without promises, without saying too much, without declarations of endearment, without fanfare. He is now, simply that... He.

Photo courtesy of J- C- P on FLickr.

Free Falling

Photo Courtesy of AraiGordai on FLickr.

It has been a while since these words meant anything.

This year's love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
I start to forget
how my heart gets torn
when the hurt gets thrown
feeling like you can't go on

Turning circles when time again
cuts like a knife
if you love me got to know for sure
cos it takes something more this time
than sweet sweet lies
before i open up my arms and fall
losing all control
every dream inside my soul

and when you kiss me
on that midnight street
sweep me off my feet
singing ain't this life so sweet

From "This Year's Love" by David Gray


Think I'm free falling. For the first time in a long long time. And it makes me smile.

money it's so funny

Argh!

Where in the world is Robert Kiyosaki?!

Sweet Sweet Saigon

Ho Chi Minh... or Saigon as the romantic in me prefers was indeed unexpected. In the most wonderful of ways. I came to that city, with no concept of what it was and left with a yearning to come back.

The air is thick with an old school charm, a kind of exciting uncertainty and the scent of romance of the long forgotten colonial type. It's indescribable but oh so palpable, your heart races, your dreams seem electrifyingly tangible and just within reach, if you stretched just that little bit more.

It has the air of something that time forgot, or almost forgot, and you expect to see the old school english tourist who considers himself a traveller (for a tourist and a traveller are very different things you see) in his khaki's "discovering Asia" and "finding himself", walking at you from around the next corner. It's a little like the feeling one gets when you walk into Temple Gardens in London, only there you get magically whisked away to the era of Dickens and Great Expectations instead.

Travel at night, by motor bike, I beseech you, it's the only way to see it. Be an armchair (or any chair for that matter) anthropologist at one of the many intimate, tucked away little cafe's. Cry for the lost humanity at the War Memorial Museum for it gives you an understanding of the people of this wonderful city.

Then leave and yearn to return, for at the end of all this you will have left your heart in Saigon. The distant strains of the Saxaphone solo from "Last Night of the World" bidding you a bittersweet farewell at the very edges of your consciousness.

Image courtesy of Image37 on Flickr.

the heart wants what the heart wants

because I am too soft for my own good I got in touch with the unexpected despite vowing not to. My thinking is generally that you should live your life the way you would want to leave it. So if i were to find out tomorrow that I had a few hours to live, I would want to know i was leaving with no regrets. This is why I very seldom bear a grudge and this is why I forgive. So this coupled with being pre- menstrual led to calling the unexpected. He wanted to meet to sort things, in true unexpected style made it difficult to actually do that, aggravated me no end at the actual meeting then melted me into forgiving him. Albeit in a totally different capacity. He is now my friend. And I have finally attained peace...

Then in true boy style realises what he's lost and starts trying to sweet talk and ease his way into my heart yet again...

And much though I want to I know he is no good for me the way he is now. So that door will remain closed, for the time being at least *wink* Let Go and Let God right?

Why "Wearing Sunscreen"?

It's been brought to my attention that the address for this blog is rather random and makes little sense. It does! Honest! It's from "The Sunscreen Song" read by Baz Luhrman.

Baz Luhrman - Sunscreen Speech
================================

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ?9...Wear sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you cant grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked...You're not as fat as you imagine.

Dont worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind...the race is long, and in the end its only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life...the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you wont, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary...what ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either - your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can...don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, its the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance...even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you'll never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time its 40, it will look 85.

Be careful who advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than its worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen...

It seems like pretty sound advice to me, especially the sunscreen *smiles* Told you that I was a lyrics kinda girl!

Every new beginning...

I heard somewhere once that music is the soundtrack of one's life. So it seems fitting to start with a line from Semisonic's "Closing time" circa mid 90's me thinks...

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. The end... the beginning, we come full circle. You can only hope that each and every time you complete the circle you come out maybe just a little bit battered but with a lot more squeezed out of life.

Like i've said, I'm just a twenty something trying to figure it out. Realising quite quickly that the learning curve is steep, not to mention twisty- think Lombard Drive- and growing up really is realising just how much you don't know.