a better man

so I was reading today about someone's unrequited love. you know the one. most of us have one of them, the one you feel got away either because things just didn't work out the way you planned or just because you never got around to saying anything.

i used to have one of them. i said goodbye to him a while ago. because i realised there was a difference between what i wanted to see and what was actually there.

but this post really isn't about him. it's about a far better man.

throughout the course of the past few days or so i've had moments when it just randomly enters my mind that I love this better man. and it's a strange, humbling, heart warming moment everytime it happens.

the man in my past chose to betray my trust. he then came back, seeking my forgiveness. i took him back. his reasons for his betrayal were manifold, i forgave him because i loved him still and i made the excuses i had to in order to justify my reaction. now looking back, i see that there is a reason an excuse is an excuse.

he blamed it on the distance. said he was feeling down and lonesome and needed the company. i'm not even sure he apologised. i think he just made excuses.

in the months after, he got angry that I wasn't over it, upset that I found it hard to trust him, didn't do much to ease my soul into trusting him again and the biggest kicker of them all, he eventually left because he could not cope with the guilt he felt having betrayed me in the first place.

*LOL* What a load of baloney! and i fell for it too. hook, line and sinker.

this better man though, he's different in the most wonderful of ways. he thought long and hard before we even got together if he could deal with me being a plane ride away. when he finally realised that me a plane ride away was better than no me at all, he made it very clear that he would find it ridiculously difficult. it was a very practical thing to say in a moment supposed to be rose tinted, but now i realise it is the essence of what makes him better.

he struggles with this distance, yet through it all i see that he's determined to persevere. he doesn't blame it for any of the problems that crop up, but rather he tries to find ways to make it work in spite of the distance. because he is a better man.

he never said it was do- able, he simply said he would try. he never said he was ok with it, never pretended it was a breeze, he simply acknowledged it was a problem and moved on. because he is a better man.

Resoundingly, I can say that there is no other. there is no "one who got away". there are no "what if's". not for me. not anymore.

it wasn't a moment in a field full of daisies, there was no bicycle built for two. it was not the summer solstice. But it was perfect in it's own awkward, quintessentially He way.

I have been blessed with a better man. and i could not ask for more.

Image courtesy of ccurtiz on Flickr.

the truth is...

... that i am barely through without you.

... and i need the next 25 weekends to fly

... February please come soon.

Image courtesy of flavita.v on Flickr.

a view from the dumps

She tries very hard to look at things on the bright side. To find the silver lining in everything. She is conscious of how much a positive mental attitude helps. She's generally quite good at this.

But the truth is she is prone to bouts of depression. As is much of her family. Perhaps more than the asthma or the eczema, it's the hereditary depression that bothers her.

She wasn't always quite so susceptible or at least no more so than the average Joe. But three summers ago she started to feel the tremors that would lead to a full blown life earthquake that lasted about a year. Two summers ago was when it was at its worst.

That summer, what most people don't know and didn't see, were the hours upon hours she spent in her bed. Unable to get up. Unable to eat. Unable to really do much. Watching hours and hours of Charmed and Poirot, Friends and Family Guy, just to get through the day. She managed to get out of bed about once a week to attend a Lindy class because that was the only thing she could deal with that involved being around people. She spent a small fortune on phone calls to friends in far flung corners of the world because they gave her the light she couldn't see for herself. She cried. Every single day. For hours.

But she got better with time. She is proud that she never resorted to the drugs to make it better. Thankful that she had angels in her life to help lift her up. Grateful that she found it within herself to make it through.

She went from crying everyday. To once a week. To once a month. And now it's once every so often.

But she hates that it happens even once every so often. That once in a while she visits the dumps without even meaning to or even knowing how she got there.

She needs to start with the crazy exercise routine again she thinks. She could do with losing the weight and the endorphins are always welcome.

Bring on the treadmill.

asylum

On days like this I would like to climb into a box and stay there.

I am exhausted.

I should not have to defend or feel bad for crying. I am not made of steel. I have a heart and occasionally it hurts. and when it does it should be allowed to grieve. perhaps what I cry about doesn't make sense to you. but it doesn't have to. you're not walking the road i'm walking, you're not feeling the things i'm feeling, you're not me.

I am tired.

of being the apparently horrid ungrateful child. you have expectations of me that i struggle to meet. i feel inadequate when i can't meet them. when i say i don't know and leave the decision to you, it's not code for anything else. I genuinely don't know. i should not then be at the receiving end of your wrath for not knowing. it's not being recalcitant. it's not because i'm being difficult. it's because i feel out of my depth and would like you help. i know however that I get frustrated and that it shows and for that i am so very truly sorry.

but i am worn out.

i am pooped.

i am beat.

bushed.

done in.

and i would like to climb into a box and stay there.

Image courtesy of Centre for International Education on Flickr.

at last...

... i begin to see, just how it happens that one love could last a lifetime.

because with you, when it gets all difficult and grumpifying,

the overriding thought isn't resentment

it isn't helplessness

it isn't anger

it's this...

it's that this too shall pass

it's a certainty that things will be ok

a conviction that you will stay

Truly...

grow old with me...

with you i honestly see

that the best is yet to be

image courtesy of cosairstw on Flickr.