wonderful wonderful line

Ever listen to a song to have one line jump out at you?

"you took an instamatic camera and pulled my sleeves around my heart" from "You're Gorgeous" by Baby Bird

The imagery is masterful.

The act of doing something so mundane causing such strong feelings. A play on the words "tugging at the heartstrings" in a manner that's more rough and tumble, perfect for the seduction that goes on in the first stanza.

Evoking a feeling of being hopelessly wonderfully captive...

Amazing :)

song for the unexpected

... is Maybe Tomorrow by Stereophonics.

Good Luck & God Bless.

For your sake I do hope you find your way home.

in two minds

Been told that Buddy isn't exactly truthful about his 'lack of dates' and general awkward demeanour.

I'm in two minds about this.

This _is_ Brunei where you're having an affair with someone if you have a cuppa with a friend of the opposite sex.

However trusting that people _do_ tell you the truth hasn't exactly gotten me far has it? Prime example being Buddha of course and to lesser degrees lost one and seller.

My lie-dar, like my gay- dar is practically non- existent.

He's either very innocent or the best player of the game I've ever met.

Pffft :p

Me no likes.

another unexpected curve ball

So i thought I had well and truly said goodbye to the unexpected. I contemplated telling him I missed him today, decided against it. Thank goodness I did. I instead asked him something fairly important about the house keeping that comes at the end of any relationship. Who gets the dog and all that malarkey. This was a nice housekeeping thing, I had bought him a present to cheer him up before things went Pete tong and wanted to pass it to him via someone.

Then he threw me a curve ball. Essentially saying, knowing that I considered us over, that he is angry, he was busy, he wants time to cool down and would speak to me to try and work things out in a few weeks.

WTF!

So he disappears without a trace having not been considerate for the gazillionth time, and he's angry at me?! On what grounds?! Oh yes, this would be the part where I am left in the dark and he isn't. Pffft :p

Having decided that it's not important enough to shed at least a little light on the situation for the moment, he then decides the course my life is going to take for the next few weeks by saying he will be ready to discuss his own agenda in a few weeks. Forgive me for thinking this is extremely presumptuous.

Oh yes because I will really fall over my feet to accommodate someone who seemingly doesn't even have enough respect for me to keep me posted about things that greatly affect me.

"I didn't want to sort it, so you had to call it off, but that's not good enough for me and makes me angry, but i don't care to tell you even basically why at the moment. All that matters is i know the full story and can assess it, then when I deem necessary, I will think about it and tell you why you were the cow. And when I tell you why you should agree with me and retract your resignation from my life"

"Yes you should wait for me, but no I'm not going to give you reason to, you should just wait."

The gall!

painfully disappointed

Some people are just a**holes, the sooner I learn to accept that the easier my life will be.

They do not deserve second chances, they defy logic, they are cowardly and they prey on other people.

Some people are just a**holes.

Simple as that.

one step forward two steps back

Just back from watching "Stomp the Yard" with Buddy, 3 of 3 and middle child. Movie was entertaining if you like dance. Having never seen a rugby team performing the Hakka I guess I never fully understood how dance can be aggressive and scary. Parts of this film gave me a bit of an insight into how that's possible. So very different from my own very "smiley; this is how a heart sings" type dancing.

Before the movie we met with Gaea for a coffee. That was, if I'm honest, a little disappointing. Gaea was on top form as she always is when she sees me, but Buddy I felt didn't really try. That bothered me and I have been wondering all night if I'm a cow for letting it bother me quite so much. On some level I knew it was just that though Buddy is lovely he is also a little socially awkward and it was just that he didn't know _how_ to try. Knowing that however doesn't make it better and it's not the first time either. It's almost as if as soon as he's faced with people he doesn't know, if interaction isn't immediately easy, he shuts down and stops trying. I don't know if I find this acceptable.

I was disappointed and a little embarrassed as I'd been talking him up and was let down quite spectacularly. He would try a little with inappropriate humour, then when it wasn't well received he kept turning to me saying he doesn't try a lot as it always leads to awkward silences. Which of course aggravated the awkward silence *doh!*

He clearly has large self- esteem issues and I wonder how much of a problem this will be. If only he would see the intelligent, sensitive man that I see...

I need to try however not be so judgmental and not blow it out of proportion. It was one bad and there will be a few, but that shouldn't be the basis to flee. I don't wanna be Ally McBeal with the salad dressing on her date's face really, or I _will_ be the crazy cat lady.

I'd much rather be the crazy parrot lady though I think.

gobsmacked

I've been ill and i was given a medical certificate for two days. Got a call from the office saying it was urgent I went in for at least an hour. Was quite bemused as there is nothing I'm handling that requires me and only me to do anything on it.

Got to the office and was told that the person that needed me urgently wasn't in. Proceeded to twiddle my thumbs for about an hour before it's lunch. Headed off as I realised he wouldn't be coming in till after.

Got back to the office to find out that the reason I had to haul my cute sick nauseous little tushy out of bed and drive while I'm on drowsy medication was because this person needed me to type a sentence in a draft letter I had prepared, delete another, copy and paste onto an email and change the font color

*smacks self on forehead* oh my god...

Why "Wearing Sunscreen"?

It's been brought to my attention that the address for this blog is rather random and makes little sense. It does! Honest! It's from "The Sunscreen Song" read by Baz Luhrman.

Baz Luhrman - Sunscreen Speech
================================

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ?9...Wear sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you cant grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked...You're not as fat as you imagine.

Dont worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind...the race is long, and in the end its only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life...the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you wont, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary...what ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either - your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can...don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, its the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance...even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you'll never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time its 40, it will look 85.

Be careful who advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than its worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen...

It seems like pretty sound advice to me, especially the sunscreen *smiles* Told you that I was a lyrics kinda girl!

snip

So tonight I found the strength to let go. I closed the door to the unexpected. I seem to always manage to fall in love with "what was" and "what could be", forgetting that "what is" matters just as much. With Lost one, i hung on far too long because of this, loving the man that he was and the man I hoped he would one day be again, but I realised that what I was in love with was a past that was gone and a future that may never be.

I didn't love the unexpected, I think it was more that I liked him but I loved the possibility of loving him. So much so that I held on, despite deep misgivings about if we were actually on the same wavelength. I tried to believe it was a yin yang thing. *lol* the lies we tell ourselves ay? I was frightened to close that door, afraid that I would not see that possibility in anyone else. But really that's not a good enough reason to stay. And I believe that this is the same reason the unexpected has been so reluctant to go as well.

So i've tossed the die. I leave the rest to the stars. *hums Faith by George Michael*

achilles and his heel

A few of the wonderful women in my life are having trouble letting go. It's so easy isn't it when you're giving the advice, "he's not good enough for you, tell him where to stick it. I would" But yet faced with the same situation I, many times have not found the strength to do the deed. Gaea asked me a week or so ago why this certain someone had such a hold on her because normally she's a very strong woman. And I told her, and i really believe this, that there will be people who you meet in your life that cause you to break your own mold. I said the same to Jukebox too.

Why is that though? Why are there people that can do that to us? I think it boils down to the deep desire to be loved and vulnerability. You invariably choose at points in your life to let certain people in and in doing so allow them to touch the most private parts of you. To then realise at some point when things go wrong that perhaps you'd let too much in. You feel vulnerable and can't fathom that your judgment was quite so impaired, and can't believe that someone so special could let you down. So you decide, no, it must just be a one off mistake, try it again to realise the same thing again. Rinse. Repeat.

And you repeat and you repeat ad nauseam. It requires strength to keep that candle burning and you use every last ounce that you possess. Let it go on long enough and it breaks you.

I wonder though if this is really weakness? Surely the dusting yourself off and starting again with the same person is not weakness. It's not weakness to forgive. Nor is it weakness to want to believe that next time it'll be OK.

It's the only thing that makes us not call off the search....

sniffle

I have discovered that having a bunged up nose makes teeth brushing tricky

hmmm

let's at least hope i'm ill enough to warrant skiving work tomorrow

*grins* if that isn't glass half full I don't know what is

nail on the head!

how apt!

me in a nutshell

*giggle*

the print fades

My shoe tree is gone :(

I discovered a few days ago that the shoe trees in the park closest to my many student digs were chopped down. I was in tears. Devastated. My world was rocked.

With the chopping of that tree I felt the last marks of me were erased from my old stomping grounds. Brunei is where I grew up, but this city in England is where I became an adult. And it seemed inconceivable that the niche I had so carefully carved for myself would prove to be quite so forgettable.

The night I left, a lost love and I braved the cold winter night. We wandered the park setting off fireworks, our breath in the air, our souls trying desperately to savour the little things. The warmth of his touch, the way he smelt of milk and the outdoors and possibility... Each saying goodbye piece by piece... Our last stop was the shoe tree, we flung my trainers onto its branches through spasms of laughter, we christened it... A little part of me left, where I left a part of my heart...

Lost One, do you remember? Lost One, will you remember now this piece of me is gone?

"For Us, For Love, For Always..." in Lover's Wood, where the squirrel population thrives, will we?

"Piece By Piece"
Katie Melua

First of all must go
Your scent upon my pillow
And then I'll say goodbye
to your whispers in my dreams.
And then our lips will part
In my mind and in my heart,
Cos your kiss
Went deeper than my skin.

Piece by piece
is how I'll let go of you
Kiss by kiss
Will leave my mind one at a time
One at a time

First of all must fly,
My dreams of you and I,
There's no point of holding on to those
And then our ties will break,
For your and my own sake,
Just remember,
This is what you chose

Piece by piece
Is how I'll let go of you
Kiss by kiss,
will leave my mind one at a time
One at a time

I'll shed like skin,
Our memories of lazy days,
And fade away the shadow of your face

Piece by piece
Is how I'll let go of you
Kiss by kiss,
Will leave my mind one at a time
One at a time
One at a time
One at a time

and that is how I bid you adieu...

My my...

... it's been a while. I'm convinced that January through to March 2007 did not exist. It's a scam I tell you! A scam...

An interesting night topped off by a sweet, made even sweeter by the fact that the sweet was done just to make someone else smile, at his expense, without her knowing. Without the need for kudos.. The sweetest kind of sweet...

Perhaps Buddy really is the Yin to my Yang... Perhaps it's sweets like this one that will convince me of that...

Buddy, your song in my head at the moment is "All Time Love" by Will Young.

Fingers crossed that I don't walk by...