the sucky thing about being grown up

is not having someone fuss over you when you're ill.

and having to drive yourself to the doctor

*wrinkles nose in distaste*

God bless my Mummy for still trying to.

Image courtesy of sesame ellis on Flickr.

feh

Today I don't want to :-

tip toe around oversized ego's

speak to clients who think they own your ass because they pay you

be considerate

be thoughtful

smile because it keeps the social fabric intact

hold my tongue

keep up pretences

Today I want to crawl into a little box and be grumpy because that's how i feel

Picture courtesy of whisKAz on Flickr.

what makes her reel

She realises that she doesn't deal with disappointment well. In fact that is perhaps an understatement. She in fact deals with it badly. It often reduces her to tears.

She also realises that this is really not a good thing.

It's strange when you think of it, because she has taken some fairly hard knocks and she bounces back from them. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but she always bounces back.

She realises however that the ones she tends to take the worst almost always involve her significant other. With her friends she thinks she is more forgiving and so she is disappointed less.

She wonders why this is so. She believes it is symptomatic of a deeper more fundamental fear. She just wishes she knew what it was....

She thinks it might be linked to a fear of abandonment because she takes partings very badly too.

She thinks she needs a shrink.

Photo courtesy of DaizyB on Flickr.

on letting go

it's a sad fact of life that as you grow you have to let go of certain people and certain things.

the recent episode with adopted Bruneian is a prime example of why you really should do this. there if nothing else was a prime example of someone who just couldn't let go. couldn't see that it had nothing to do with him. in not letting go he lost things. perhaps he would have lost them anyway, but it would have been done better. less hurt. more dignity.

Rapunzel came to mind this morning. She was such a big part of my teenage years. i remember the one fight we had back then and how it ended with both of us in tears telling the other how hurt we were but how much we loved and missed the other. if only it were now so easy.

Rapunzel had a hard time adjusting to being home. I called regularly, checked up on her regularly. I remember this because I regularly felt hurt by the refusal to see me when she was so happy to see everyone else. I tried asking her what was wrong, if she wanted to talk about it, if she was upset with me. I received no response.

in January just gone it was the 2nd Muskateer wedding. Nut of all people *grin* and i thought we were on our way to making up. despite the distance to her i felt that night i thought it was a start. i have since sent her messages to get her to meet me to talk it out. again no response.

the truth is different to everyone, and i wonder what the truth of this whole matter is to her. perhaps it is simply that we grew apart. i couldn't give her what she needed and in her hurt at this, she hurt me.

i don't harbour resentment. i miss her. i wonder what she's up to. but i've also come to terms with the fact that perhaps i'll never understand. i can't understand without her and she doesn't want me to.

so i let go.

there is more grace in this than in kicking and screaming for an answer.

you just got to hope that for every thing you let go of something else comes along to take it's place.

Photo courtesy of Emerging Design & Photography on Flickr.

on change

She was a little taken aback a few days ago having found out that Buddy was telling people that the reason for their demise was because she had "changed" after the programme.

She has never seen change as a bad thing, simply different. But perhaps her reaction came from the word being used pejoratively.

He helped her put things in context by saying that yes she probably had changed. For if she was the same person she was prior to the programme then she would still be with Buddy. Perhaps the only change was that post programme she realised that there were things she was putting up with that she didn't have to. But that was change enough.

And if Buddy needs to believe that was the reason for their demise, then so be it. We all need to somehow explain the bad things away. Is it the truth? Maybe it's the truth as it seems to him. She believes the truth is coloured by one's own perceptions.

Has she changed?

Probably

Is that a bad thing?

She doesn't think so. She likes the person that she is and where she is heading. And that person was partially moulded by that experience. We are the sum total of our experiences right?

He is a star for reminding her of that.

he...

... has made an appearance in this blog before. however the name attributed to him then is no longer applicable.

She feels the differance in this, in that she does not feel the need to trumpet it from the rooftops. She wants to, because it makes her happy, however there is no need. There is such a marvel and a wonder to that statement that she is still very much getting used to. She is just comfortable in knowing she is with him and he with her. And that's enough.

So without promises, without saying too much, without declarations of endearment, without fanfare. He is now, simply that... He.

Photo courtesy of J- C- P on FLickr.