Buddy is Ross

... because he comes back from Singapore bringing me a Mushroom Swiss Burger from Burger King and Chicken McNuggets, both of which I crave and can't get here. And serves them to me at an impromptu tea light lit dinner. And now time for the collective sigh :)

on forgiveness

for·give
Pronunciation: f&r-'giv, for-
1 a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for b : to grant relief from payment of
2 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : PARDON

Pictures of debauchery from years gone by we posted recently and I looked back with pleasure. I really did LIVE in uni and I hope I continue to do so the rest of my days.

Pictures of him and I were posted. Pictures I'd never seen. Snapshots of what we looked like to the outside world. We were what people wanted to be and it showed from those shots. As i looked through these new perspectives on old memories I did wonder if I ever want him back in my life.

Perhaps for the rest of my life, when I look at such stills, certain bars of "Goodbye My Lover" by James Blunt will play. Certain genre's of music with a particular cadence will always make me wonder. Snow Patrol, Aqualung, Goldfrapp, Coldplay, David Gray will always be coloured by regret, by curiosity, by bittersweet, by him.

Were he to reappear in my life now I would be at a loss for what to say or do.

Instinct tells me I would tell him to go away. I have forgiven and I have moved on, however I believe that unless certain truths are realised and admitted, on principle, I could not carry on any sort of relationship. It was a betrayal of the core and unless I'm certain that it was understood how that hurt was caused, I am unwilling to put myself in a situation where it could happen again.

Having said all this though, I know I want him at my wedding if I ever do get married.

The question is, can I really say I've forgiven? Can you regret moments in your life and yet still say that you're dealt with those demons? Does regret in the absence of resentment equate to forgiveness? Is an unwillingness to accept him in my life indicative of a lack of forgiveness? Or is it just prudence not to want him there anymore considering everything?

counting my blessings

I am blessed. To be born to Bruneian Sunsets.

Photo from anakbrunei.blogspot.com

a crease I wouldn't iron

Have just got off the phone with Creasy She went all high pitched and mouse- like on me for a moment and I smiled so wide you probably could have seen me in China.

You know how people go on and on about the love of their life? I believe that if you're lucky that term may apply to quite a few people in your life and not just in the romantic sense.

Creasy is one of the great loves of mine.

More than almost anyone I have ever met, she has such a great capacity to love and such a fierce loyalty for those whom she loves. She is the ultimate inner geek, anal about the stupidest things, a freakish being that likes ironing and absolutely stunning, in every sense of the word.

We just clicked. It's as simple as that. And some of my most treasured moments of the life I left behind are simply of me and her sat on our ridiculously pink couches in our ridiculously warm house (because the pair of us have poor circulation) pretending to do work whilst actually watching one of them "Top 100" chart shows on a Sunday night.

And never will I be able to repay her for the willingness in which she let me share her bed when mine was too big and lonely, the intensity of her embrace when she wanted to make everything alright for me, her listening ear, man- like rationality and her wrath when I couldn't be angry for my own sake.

I am blessed with you in my life and I love you many pennies lady *big hugs* x x