Is it just me...

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Is it just me or does the Predator look like a souped up Rastafarian?
*quizzical look*

No offence intended

Images courtesy of Fotosearch and Wikipedia.

Every new beginning

Yes, yet again that sentence rings true. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. And my goodness, what an end indeed.

I was hesitant to write about this end, I didn't know how. I still don't know how but with the ebbing of the intense emotions, I felt somehow that I should give it a whirl. So here it is, simple, inadequate but from the heart.

For me joining the programme was the realisation of a dream. From the moment the parentals took their first foster children in when I was 8, I knew it was something I had to do. Funny, the realisations I had when I was 8, for it was then that I decided the career path I would take too. Tangent, I apologise.

In many ways I saw the countless hours spent in practice as the penance I had to pay for what I expected to be an astounding experience. It was in these hours however that I discovered the meaning of patriotism. Being a child of two nations, I guess I always felt in some way misplaced all my life. The night before our pre departure performance was when it hit me. The first time in my life I felt truly Bruneian. And all because of the words to a song...

"Wahai anak Brunei, warisan bersejarah. Keturunan mu panglima, perwira, perkasa. Satu zaman dahulu di kota dan di desa. Kau membina Negara Brunei Darussalam"

To paraphrase, it reminds the children of Brunei of the vast history they are descended from. That the blood that runs through their veins is that of warriors and nobleman. And i finally got it. And I wept at the enormity of the realisation.

The programme was eye opening, challenging, frustrating and more than I could ever ask for.

Almost 2 weeks after the end of it all, I have gained a little perspective. In my mind's eye I see still photographs of various moments and people, sound bites of silliness and laughter and an overriding feeling of warmth and connection.

The feeling of being lost has abated somewhat, the problems associated with the real world have taken precedence. At times driving home from work I wonder if the experience was in fact nothing more than a fantastical dream. Seeing the photographs and videos is bittersweet but in the end, I feel privileged.

The reason for all the tears at the end, other than the fact that I knew just how much I would miss everyone, was because I wondered if I would see these people again. Intentions are all very well and good, but having left too many people in my short life I know many intentions amount to nothing more than that. Now, I realise it doesn't matter.

"If i never see you again
Think of me now and then
Though it hurts so deeply
They say all good things come to an end
You changed my life completely
I'm touched by your love
If I never see you again"

At the end, I'm standing at the beginning. New friendships, new mindsets, new opportunities. And I am blessed.

the question

Buddy,

At the end of the day it's simple...

The question is, can you love me when the chips are down?

Sweet Sweet Saigon

Ho Chi Minh... or Saigon as the romantic in me prefers was indeed unexpected. In the most wonderful of ways. I came to that city, with no concept of what it was and left with a yearning to come back.

The air is thick with an old school charm, a kind of exciting uncertainty and the scent of romance of the long forgotten colonial type. It's indescribable but oh so palpable, your heart races, your dreams seem electrifyingly tangible and just within reach, if you stretched just that little bit more.

It has the air of something that time forgot, or almost forgot, and you expect to see the old school english tourist who considers himself a traveller (for a tourist and a traveller are very different things you see) in his khaki's "discovering Asia" and "finding himself", walking at you from around the next corner. It's a little like the feeling one gets when you walk into Temple Gardens in London, only there you get magically whisked away to the era of Dickens and Great Expectations instead.

Travel at night, by motor bike, I beseech you, it's the only way to see it. Be an armchair (or any chair for that matter) anthropologist at one of the many intimate, tucked away little cafe's. Cry for the lost humanity at the War Memorial Museum for it gives you an understanding of the people of this wonderful city.

Then leave and yearn to return, for at the end of all this you will have left your heart in Saigon. The distant strains of the Saxaphone solo from "Last Night of the World" bidding you a bittersweet farewell at the very edges of your consciousness.

Image courtesy of Image37 on Flickr.

everytime I think of you...

I feel fine and I feel good
I'm feeling like I never should
Whenever I get this way, I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday

I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be

-

Bizzare Love Triangle
New Order/ Frente

spiderwebs

Stranger,

How conflicted I feel towards you.

I understand the position you're in. I just don't understand why it seems so complicated to you when it is definitely not. To me it looks like sheer cowardice on your part. And it's SO unflattering and SO out of character and I am SO disappointed in you, yet I empathise and wonder how you are.

When perhaps my feelings towards the situation we found ourselves in should have mattered and made a difference, you took matters into your own hands. This was perhaps due to your own feelings of guilt. However, you refused to see that those actions had repercussions on me.

And in this clash of bumbling elephants I feel very much like collateral damage. Uncalled for and highly unnecessary.

Feeling lost and powerless, it frustrates me that this situation could be so easily resolved if you two elephants would sit and talk. Honestly, frankly with mutual love and respect. You would think that two with such a seemingly close bond could do this. Are you scared? Because it's easier to forgive a total stranger than it is to forgive a friend?

And now I've lost the pair of you, and there's not a darned thing i can do about it.

My what a tangled web we weave...

my life or something like it

Malam... Terdengar sepantun lagu...

I have been struggling for a post that describes the current flux my life is in... then I listened to this song and some things fell into place.

My dear Adopted Bruneian this one is for you.

For reminding me, with this song, that at the end of the day the deepest parts of my soul whisper in Malay.

For your warmth, your humour and most of all your Friendship that knows no bounds.

And you will make Milo ping for me on my 75th birthday right?

Malam by Shades

Malam...
Terdengar sepantun lagu
Irama di malam syahdu
Gaya nada rindu

Oh! Malam...
Hati resah raya sunyi
Jiwaku resah dan sepi
Waktu Malam Hari

Jangan sedih hati
Oh, Janganlah rasa pilu
Senyum... Senyum bunga
Kuntum, Mekar segar dan mengharum

Oh ! Malam...
Sungguh kau berseri seri
Wajahmu di malam hari
Hilang rindu hati

Jangan sedih hati
Oh, Janganlah rasa pilu
Senyum... Senyum bunga Kuntum
Mekar segar dan mengharum

Oh! Malam....

this girl...

This girl is back.

This girl is drained.

This girl is changed.

This girl is lost.

This girl is tired of playing the game.

This girl has had enough.

"You can't kill my spirit, it's my dreams you take" says the song.

But without the dreams, what is this girl?

Image courtesy of nomad9491 on Flickr.

the rainbow

Buddy,

I know it's been unbelievably hard. Too many nights wondering if this was in fact the right thing to do, wondering how long the rope will hold and if i even want to hang on...

But then I'm reminded on nights like this, why I looked at you that first night and saw in your eyes possibility.

Did I fall in love with you that night? No I did not. The Disney princess in me expected more fireworks. But it was everything I wanted and nothing I expected. I know that I have fallen in love with you since. I have almost fallen out of love with you on a number of occasions too *grins* but that means I have had the pleasure of getting to know you all over again. and I am blessed.

and the possibilities are still endless.

photo courtesy of RozzieM on Flickr.

kaleidoscope

To You,

Because I miss you but I hate you.

Because I want you to fall flat on your face and be lonely and depressed and alone, like how I was when you were so willing to leave, But I want things to work out for you and I want the sun to shine on your path.

Because I'm very much over you but still can't forgive the hurt.

You are to me a kaleidoscope, that i pick up in fear and fascination.

Too many facets, just too many.

Give me strength

It has been a taxing month. I never realised before this just how much time I need to myself to keep myself sane. It's a good day when I spend an hour at home other than sleeping time at the moment. Time to myself is restricted to the time I spend getting ready in the morning. Many many hours are spent with a lot of people who exist on a different planet to me. Lack of sleep and too much work means it's that little bit harder to smile and be reasonable. "Make the stupid people shut up" says my brain through a clenched grin.

But I'm good. The sadist in me is strangely enjoying the experience. I am learning more about being Bruneian and Malay and I can honestly say I am developing a real pride in this little nation of mine.


"The will of God will never send you where the grace of God cannot keep you"


Have faith and stay true little heart of mine...

on cheating

It's been a while, i've been away rediscovering my culture but more on that later. I heard an interesting quote today.

If love is based on lies does it make it less than a real feeling?

Perhaps it doesn't but does accepting that it is a real feeling make the actions less wrong? We lie to the ones we love for a myriad of reasons. Some white, some not so white. Where is the line drawn if love is the be all and end all of relationships? If the feeling is evident, should the line ever be drawn?

As Patty Smyth sang, "Sometimes love just ain't enough". Sad isn't it? Gimme Disney, any day *smiles*

i believe in angels

some believe we are made in God's image. I don't know what I think of that, I do however know that God leaves us little angels such as these. My cold heart melted.

heaven on earth

I want to go here!

Pretty pretty please?

return of the quiz junkie

many pennies many thoughts

Something I got sent to me, made me giggle :)

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

If only life came with a similar, sarky manual :)

that time of month

image courtesy of The Cartoon Stock

Was watching the last few episodes of season 10 of Friends. "The one where Phoebe gets married" to be exact. And I started tearing up. LoL! Yes it is officially pre period weeping week. Bring on the Hallmark ad's.

the asian in me

it has come to my attention that my taste buds are predominantly Asian. when asked what my last meal before I die would be, 2 out of 3 courses would be from an Asian palette. The current obsession is Tau Fu Fah. Dee- lish!

For the non- Asians reading this and because the picture isn't particularly helpful, I found this wonderful site with this description.

"Tau fu fah is soybean curd. It is served in either a clear sweet syrup
or a gula melaka syrup. The soybean curd is very smooth and it slips right down your throat. This dessert can be found in vans that can be
found in certain neighbourhoods which sell both soybean milk and tau fu fah."

Doesn't sound like much I know, but it's Heaven Sent!

what i hate about you

you'll never read this because i'll never send it but here's what I hate about you:-

i. i don't hate that you betrayed my trust the way you did that summer. everyone makes mistakes. what i hate about the happenings of that summer is how you behaved after. i hate that you couldn't forgive yourself for it and ended up hurting me again by this inability.

ii. i hate that having betrayed my trust, you did not do all you could to rebuild it.

iii. i hate the way you gave up, just when there was a break in the clouds.

iv. i hate that when you decided to end it, you didn't have the respect or the love to put a real full stop on it. you wanted to end it, you should have had the courtesy to stick to that decision. not change your mind every two weeks the way you did. i loved you still, i was going to cling to every hope and every scrap you gave me. it was your responsibility. you failed.

v. i hate that when i was clearly not in a position to take care of myself, you, instead of taking care of me, were upset that i was not taking your feelings into consideration.

vi. i hate that you lapped up my forgiveness, but gave none in return. i hate that you messed up in ways at least equal, if not more, to how i messed up, but yet i am apparently the bigger baddie.

vii. i hate that after i left you decided to have your cake and eat it too.

viii. i hate that when i initially refused to lean on you after i left, you coaxed me into it, only to drop me when it got too hard.

ix. i hate that having betrayed my trust in that way the first time, for all intents and purposes you did it again 2 years after. i hate how having done so, you stick by the belief that you did nothing wrong. but you refuse to tell people what you did for shame of being judged. i hate how in the lead up to your doing it again you allowed me to believe that i was the insane one.

x. i hate how you put her on a pedestal and refused to see that she gave up on you. it was not and is not just the distance. she just didn't want to try. i hate how because of this, you were so happy to lose me.

xi. i hate the selfish way in which you handled the very end, when i tried to consider you every step of the way.

xii. i hate that you made promises at that end, of which you have broken each and every one.

xiii. i hate that you want me to think we can be friends in the future, but you burn every bridge in the present.

xiv. i hate that i wonder how you are and what you're up to. i hate that i wonder if and how you think of me. i hate that this probably means that i don't really hate you.

the road to mandalay

Inexplicably, one of my favourite poems. Perhaps it's the imagery, perhaps it's the language, perhaps I don't care. It just is.

The Road to Mandalay
Rudyard Kipling

BY the old Moulmein Pagoda, lookin’ eastward to the sea,
There’s a Burma girl a-settin’, and I know she thinks o’ me;
For the wind is in the palm-trees, and the temple-bells they say:
“Come you back, you British soldier; come you back to Mandalay!”
Come you back to Mandalay,
Where the old Flotilla lay:
Can’t you ’ear their paddles chunkin’ from Rangoon to Mandalay?
On the road to Mandalay,
Where the flyin’-fishes play,
An’ the dawn comes up like thunder outer China ’crost the Bay!
’Er petticoat was yaller an’ ’er little cap was green,
An’ ’er name was Supi-yaw-lat—jes’ the same as Theebaw’s Queen,
An’ I seed her first a-smokin’ of a whackin’ white cheroot,
An’ a-wastin’ Christian kisses on an ’eathen idol’s foot:
Bloomin’ idol made o’mud—
Wot they called the Great Gawd Budd—
Plucky lot she cared for idols when I kissed ’er where she stud!
On the road to Mandalay . . .

When the mist was on the rice-fields an’ the sun was droppin’ slow,
She’d git ’er little banjo an’ she’d sing “Kulla-lo-lo!”
With ’er arm upon my shoulder an’ ’er cheek agin’ my cheek
We useter watch the steamers an’ the hathis pilin’ teak.
Elephints a-pilin’ teak
In the sludgy, squdgy creek,
Where the silence ’ung that ’eavy you was ’arf afraid to speak!
On the road to Mandalay . . .

But that’s all shove be’ind me—long ago an’ fur away,
An’ there ain’t no ’busses runnin’ from the Bank to Mandalay;
An’ I’m learnin’ ’ere in London what the ten-year soldier tells:
“If you’ve ’eard the East a-callin’, you won’t never ’eed naught else.”
No! you won’t ’eed nothin’ else
But them spicy garlic smells,
An’ the sunshine an’ the palm-trees an’ the tinkly temple-bells;
On the road to Mandalay . . .

I am sick o’ wastin’ leather on these gritty pavin’-stones,
An’ the blasted Henglish drizzle wakes the fever in my bones;
Tho’ I walks with fifty ’ousemaids outer Chelsea to the Strand,
An’ they talks a lot o’ lovin’, but wot do they understand?
Beefy face an’ grubby ’and—
Law! wot do they understand?
I’ve a neater, sweeter maiden in a cleaner, greener land!
On the road to Mandalay . . .

Ship me somewheres east of Suez, where the best is like the worst,
Where there aren’t no Ten Commandments an’ a man can raise a thirst;
For the temple-bells are callin’, an’ it’s there that I would be—
By the old Moulmein Pagoda, looking lazy at the sea;
On the road to Mandalay,
Where the old Flotilla lay,
With our sick beneath the awnings when we went to Mandalay!
On the road to Mandalay,
Where the flyin’-fishes play,
An’ the dawn comes up like thunder outer China ’crost the Bay!

The interview with God

I stumbled across the interview with God on Jukebox's blog. It's wonderful for when you need reminding of the bigger picture.The full poem is beautiful but not unlike those PowerPoint's that every one's received at one point or another. This one line however got me:-

“To learn that it only takes a few seconds
to open profound wounds in those they love,
and it can take many years to heal them.”

It's the term "profound wound" that got me.

pro·found (pr-found, pr-)
adj. pro·found·er, pro·found·est
1. Situated at, extending to, or coming from a great depth; deep.
2. Coming as if from the depths of one's being: profound contempt.
3. Thoroughgoing; far-reaching: profound social changes.
4. Penetrating beyond what is superficial or obvious: a profound insight.
5. Unqualified; absolute: a profound silence.

That all it takes is a second to wound so deeply. I know, I've been there, and I still wonder if those wounds will heal. A lesson worth remembering me thinks.

on being muslim

Before I begin this post let me first clarify, I am not the best Muslim. I do not do all the things that I am supposed to do. I know that. Does that make me a worse Muslim, that I know I should do it and I don't? I don't know, and to be honest, to me, that is for God to decide.

Many things have happened of late that have placed faith high on my list of thoughts. The fact that in Malaysia someone was denied the legal right to convert from Islam because they were Malay, the backlash that Sharifah Amani received for shaving her head and most recently the slew of riots that ensued as a result of the knighthood of Salman Rushdie.

My thoughts on these things in brief are as follows:-

On the first matter, I believe that constitutionally it should be recognized that all Malays need not be Muslim. It does not go hand in hand. One is a culture and a race, the other is a religion. One is defined by your genetic makeup and the other should be a choice you make. Surely, it defeats the purpose of religion should it be shoved down your throat? I have always believed that religion is a lot about nawaitu, niat, intention, whatever the language you choose to see it in. Surely making religious choices a legal thing makes a mockery of this?

On the second matter, the backlash was predominantly because Muslim clerics and scholars said that by going bald she was trying to be a man which Islam prohibits. I believe this is a ridiculously tight and uneducated reading of that part of the Quran. Firstly, whoever decided that being bald was the domain of men? For many African women this is the norm. Secondly, if Islam was read so strictly, then wouldn't Prophet Muhammad's (Peace Be upon Him) wife be in serious breach of this rule when she captained armies in God's name?

On the third matter. I think it is poor timing on the British government's part, however I see nothing wrong with it. I have not read any of his books, but I am sure some people believe they are works of literary genius. So he is knighted, so what? It is for works of fiction, that really shouldn't be taken so seriously. Did we see similar levels of rioting and was it taken so seriously when "The Da Vinci Code" was released? No.

My thoughts on faith generally in the events post 9-11 have been largely coloured by shame.

Shame, that Muslims seem to think that the only way out is by bombs and riots.

Shame, that as a people, we seem to be living up to the stereotypes that the media feeds the masses.

Please don't get me wrong. I understand that in the face of such hatred and bigotry it is easy to think that there are no other options. I empathise with feeling such helplessness that you believe there is no way out. But why do we insist on sinking to levels even lower than those on which our persecutors stand?

With the Rushdie thing as with the Danish cartoon that was published some time back. I understand being offended. But really does is warrant such rioting and backlash? Is our strength not better conserved for something a little less frivolous?

Why do we react to everything so disproportionately and with such violence? Is this what we want the world to think? There are the lucky few of us who live in places where a more moderate face of Islam is the norm and hence such bigoted views of a beautiful religion are not prevalent. But what of the rest of the world uneducated in this norm?

When did we as Muslims forget that God's soldiers fight best with their minds and their hearts, not with bombs and fists?

for Buddy because it's true

Been trying to get through all ten seasons of "Friends" in the right order. Have just watched the one where Rachel has a baby and I thought of Buddy. It's odd that everytime I think of a future, I think of him. Even when there were other people in the picture, it was always him.

"Something's telling me it might be you
Yeah, it's telling me it must be you and
I'm feeling it'll just be you
All of my life"


It Might Be You-
Stephen Bishop

For Buddy because it's true. And I can't wait :)

*koff koff*

And yet again I am ill. Think I may be allergic to this work malarkey *giggles* I got stubborn and refused to go the the clinic insisting that it would all blow over. Worked for a bit till i realised that I really only was OK between ten in the morning and three in the afternoon. So Buddy got fed up and hauled my cute, not-so-little, patootie into the clinic yesterday. Which has resulted in me getting today off. And I actually think it's done wonders. So bless his little cotton socks. For that and for keeping me company, and for the mangoes and the soup that he brought over.

He loves me *big grin*

And I have weddings on my brain! I dreamt that Buddy proposed to me a few nights ago. It was in his telly room with a ring that confused me. It was one of them dual band jobs, the bands were encrusted with diamonds culminating in a bigger central diamond. I guess it confused me because I felt that the many little diamonds on the band took away from the central stone and he would have been better off with just one stone for the same amount of money. Simplicity goes a long way I think. I remember feeling a little confused but then also at the same time really really happy. Then he ran off to ask my parents' permission and next thing I knew I was pregnant. Go figure!

Been looking at dream dictionaries to see what this means and apparently, the pregnancy symbolises new beginnings or new projects that haven't yet been fully formed. The reaction I had upon receiving the ring is how I truly feel about the relationship and the ring itself symbolises that the relationship is something I am committed to.

So anyone that knows me well has probably heard about my whole fantasy of how I want to meet "the one". Here goes nothing:-

I want to meet him in an elevator and get stuck in there with him for four hours or so where we would just talk and talk. We'd eventually get out and go our separate ways only to realise a little later that we'd actually fallen in love. Then [insert miracle] we would suddenly find each other again despite only knowing each other's first name. We would date for a year or so and he would propose. Not big on the long convoluted courtship because:-

i. I think falling in love is not a decision but staying in love is. I believe you know which way you'll decide very soon after meeting the person. You know if it will work and if you want it to work. But only if you're "there" and asking yourself those questions.

ii. I'm really not getting any younger and I would like to have kids when I'm young enough to play with them. I'd like to enjoy being married before having kids and I'd like to be able to retire with the person I've chosen to grow old with, having fulfilled my commitments to my children and having seen them safely into adulthood.

iii. The world is full of fish, why keep nurturing the same one when you know you're not interested in that breed?

[It sounds terribly practical I know, but having been in two long term serious relationships that amounted to very little my outlook's changed just a tad]

Anyway back to the dream, he would propose to me, with an Alexandrite engagement ring [Because diamonds are far too cliche] on the summer solstice, when the sun sets on the longest day of the year, in a field full of daisies. He'd ride in on a tandem bicycle singing "Daisy daisy, tell me you love me do. I'm half crazy but for the love of you. It won't be a stylish marriage. I can't afford a carriage. But you'd look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two" [I know my name's not Daisy, and there are no fields of daisies in Brunei, but a girl can dream] I would laugh, say yes, clamber on the bike and ride off into the sunset with him.

The wedding would be in a big giant marquee a-la the last scenes in "My Best Friend's Wedding". With a giant dance floor and a great swing band. There would be Lindy hop instructors teaching a basic Lindy class in the first hour or so of the reception and instructors roaming around throughout the event so some fun Lindy goes on all night. Sean Ghazi would sing because he, above all singers, brings together both my eastern and western- ness. Who else does it more eloquently than he, when he sings "Hujan di Tengah Hari" [Which translates to "Rain at Midday"] with the oh- so- recognisable music from "Singing In the Rain" in the break of the song. Combining my western mind and eastern soul with such finesse.

So that is the fantasy *giggle*. Do I need it all? No. Not at all. But it's fun to think of no? At the bottom of this silly little romantic heart of mine, all I really need is someone who will grow old with me.

a tale of two cities

Photo courtesy of Nathan ! on Flickr.

Photo courtesy of kpcwatson on Flickr.

The two cities that have shaped me. Home is where the heart is, but the heart yearns for a life that has been...

vigil

Ali my love,

It has been about a year and a half now and I wonder what it's like being kept in God's light as I know you are. So much has changed in my "Ally McBeal" life as you used to call it, and I know you would be smiling hearing all about it. I never understood being proud of the achievements of a friend until you.

Signs have been pointing my thoughts your way these past few days. I re- read the papers from when you left, coo-ed over your Brownie photograph, shed a tear for the fact that you had to feel your strength ebbing the way it did and had a moment when James Blunt's "You're Beautiful" came unbidden over the radio.

Your warmth and easy smile is what I remember. How you said, having only known me a week, that you couldn't imagine living on the other side of the world to me when I left England.

Love, Openness, Bravery... A life that was truly lived. That is what you are to me. And your candle burns forever bright.

I love you.

Photo courtesy of Soul101 on Flickr.

for crying out loud!

I understand that despite being here a year I am still in many respects a newbie however there are things that really irk me.

Firstly, don't finalise a draft to have me prepare the actual documents, only then to make further amendments. It's annoying on a number of different levels. I had initially patted myself on the back for a job well done, learnt from the first set of amendments and finally straightened it out in my head how that document should be done. Only for it all to go into a tailspin again when you re- amend your own amendments. Pfft! Also when the final document has been prepared and needs to be amended it's an annoying process of taking out the pages that have amendements on them and inserting new ones. It takes much longer than just printing new ones, but I feel bad doing that because I've already killed about a gazillion trees. Double pffft!

Secondly, although I am a newbie I am _not_ a secretary! I did _not_ go through years of law school to change "this" to "that" on a document. I know all about starting at the bottom and completely support it, however it is simply _not_ cost effective for me to be doing that because essentially the company would be paying me far too much to staple papers. I know the secretaries are brilliant at what they do and I have the utmost respect for them. I believe that know more about the nitty gritty procedure than most of their bosses. However, don't expect me to make all the stupid little amendments when you can. Should you believe I should know about something, show me what's wrong for me to file away in my little brain, then do it yourself. It works out much faster.

This is going to be a long day *deep breath*.

the things that get us through

I stumbled across this prayer/ poem that I found last year. It was written by a survivor of hurricane Katrina. Take from it what you will. I know I did.

So God grant me the faith to better understand,
That my heartaches are a part of your great plan.
Help me be thankful of angels sent, to aid me
In my time of need, and not resent them.
Help me not blame others for my pain, but rather,
Give me the courage to accept what I can't change.

DO not allow evil to devour me from within,
Leaving my doubting, weary soul darkened to sin.
For Satan preys on the weakened soul, as it
wallows in self pity and grows cold.

So God grant me the strength I need to carry on,
and the faith I need to mend.

Photo courtesy of .martin on Flickr.

simmering

I have discovered:-


i. that I have little patience for people to whom life is perpetually difficult.


ii. that very little patience for people who ooze negativity from their pores.


iii. that I get very annoyed with people who panic and fret unnecessarily



Lord, give me strength to get through this week.

making a difference

Not very much gets me out of bed at the crack of dawn on a Sunday morning. Normally dawn for me is something that's seen after a LONG night out. But anyone that knows me knows that I'm big on trying to make a difference. I believe that the fact that the Lib- Dems may not win is NO excuse not to vote for them, because if everyone thought that way then nothing would change. EVER.

Mentor once said to me, "You have what it takes to make THE difference, do not hesitate to shed change in someone else's life" A wonderful wonderful thing to tell a teenage girl.

Apparently 18 people in this titchy country of ours is HIV positive. I can't imagine how hard it must be. I also think that the risk of this disease being spread here is rampant due to sex being such a taboo and sex- ed being non- existent.

Like it or not, I think kids are going to experiment, so you might as well equip them with the common sense to make good decisions. I thought the NHS in England was being a supportive responsible governmental body when deciding that contraception should be free. I know the argument that by giving out free condoms you would be seen as condoning sex before marriage. However to me to give them out is the lesser of two evils. I have a little sister, I know what I was up to at her age, I know she will probably be up to more than me because she is that little bit more devil- may- care. No, I don't think she is ready and i tell her that, but more than anything I want her to be safe. Being nakal is fine, just don't be jahat. Always try to stray on the safe side of wrong.

Come on people, more things like this. Let's stop the apathy and get the good karma rolling!


NB:- For the non- malay speakers out there. Nakal i guess would translate to naughty and jahat would be bad.

Buddy is Ross

... because he comes back from Singapore bringing me a Mushroom Swiss Burger from Burger King and Chicken McNuggets, both of which I crave and can't get here. And serves them to me at an impromptu tea light lit dinner. And now time for the collective sigh :)

on forgiveness

for·give
Pronunciation: f&r-'giv, for-
1 a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for b : to grant relief from payment of
2 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : PARDON

Pictures of debauchery from years gone by we posted recently and I looked back with pleasure. I really did LIVE in uni and I hope I continue to do so the rest of my days.

Pictures of him and I were posted. Pictures I'd never seen. Snapshots of what we looked like to the outside world. We were what people wanted to be and it showed from those shots. As i looked through these new perspectives on old memories I did wonder if I ever want him back in my life.

Perhaps for the rest of my life, when I look at such stills, certain bars of "Goodbye My Lover" by James Blunt will play. Certain genre's of music with a particular cadence will always make me wonder. Snow Patrol, Aqualung, Goldfrapp, Coldplay, David Gray will always be coloured by regret, by curiosity, by bittersweet, by him.

Were he to reappear in my life now I would be at a loss for what to say or do.

Instinct tells me I would tell him to go away. I have forgiven and I have moved on, however I believe that unless certain truths are realised and admitted, on principle, I could not carry on any sort of relationship. It was a betrayal of the core and unless I'm certain that it was understood how that hurt was caused, I am unwilling to put myself in a situation where it could happen again.

Having said all this though, I know I want him at my wedding if I ever do get married.

The question is, can I really say I've forgiven? Can you regret moments in your life and yet still say that you're dealt with those demons? Does regret in the absence of resentment equate to forgiveness? Is an unwillingness to accept him in my life indicative of a lack of forgiveness? Or is it just prudence not to want him there anymore considering everything?

counting my blessings

I am blessed. To be born to Bruneian Sunsets.

Photo from anakbrunei.blogspot.com

a crease I wouldn't iron

Have just got off the phone with Creasy She went all high pitched and mouse- like on me for a moment and I smiled so wide you probably could have seen me in China.

You know how people go on and on about the love of their life? I believe that if you're lucky that term may apply to quite a few people in your life and not just in the romantic sense.

Creasy is one of the great loves of mine.

More than almost anyone I have ever met, she has such a great capacity to love and such a fierce loyalty for those whom she loves. She is the ultimate inner geek, anal about the stupidest things, a freakish being that likes ironing and absolutely stunning, in every sense of the word.

We just clicked. It's as simple as that. And some of my most treasured moments of the life I left behind are simply of me and her sat on our ridiculously pink couches in our ridiculously warm house (because the pair of us have poor circulation) pretending to do work whilst actually watching one of them "Top 100" chart shows on a Sunday night.

And never will I be able to repay her for the willingness in which she let me share her bed when mine was too big and lonely, the intensity of her embrace when she wanted to make everything alright for me, her listening ear, man- like rationality and her wrath when I couldn't be angry for my own sake.

I am blessed with you in my life and I love you many pennies lady *big hugs* x x

For the Pigeon

Driving home from watching "Blades of Glory" with the BFG and I was petrified. Wondered who to call to keep me company and realised it was just past 6 pm in England.

I called Pigeon. And we talked.

She is anal, endearing, annoying and wonderful. Hard as nails but ever so soft. Practical to a fault but always ready to cry with me when it got too hard. I would whinge and gripe and bang things around my room when I got frustrated with her and then this cold cold heart would melt, when I found a note and a treat left on my bed as a peace offering. She is to me, a sister. Friends truly are the family you pick for yourself.

For the rest of my life I will carry memories of silly dancing with her in the Union, more often than not to "Build me up Buttercup". And for the rest of my life it will make me smile. The same way that picture of us sat on the pool table with our "tails" entwined always will.

It was a wonderful chat albeit too short. Then I had to put the phone down. The phone remedies the distance, but aggravates the problem in that instant when you have to stop talking. Damn this patchwork heart.

Pidge, I miss you. And I love you. And now stop doing that weird cry- laugh thing that you do and get yourself some tissues :p

Glee!!!!!!!

I'm going to the Jazz! I'm going to the Jazz!

I have a ticket i have a ticket I have a ticket yay yay yay yay :)

*claps hands in glee*

with a giggly heart

"This Is It"

Dannii Minogue

This is it

Oh This time I know it's the real thing

I can't explain what I'm feeling

I'm lost for words

I'm in a daze

Stunned and amazed

By your open ways

Whoo, you smiled at me

And suddenly

The wheels of love began to turn inside of me

Hey, you said hello

Oh, I felt aglow

Right then and there I knew I'd never let you go

'Cos I know

I know

This is it

Oh This time I know it's the real thing

I can't explain what I'm feeling

I'm lost for words

I'm in a daze

Stunned and amazed

By your open ways

Oh, the touch of you

Is something new

Nobody ever made me feel the way you do

Whoo, it's heavenly

Oh it's ecstasy

The way you make me feel when you make love to me

Oh yeah

Can't you see

This is it

This time I know it's the real thing

and I can't explain what I'm feeling

I'm lost for words

I'm in a daze

Stunned and amazed

By your open ways

This is it

Oh yeah yeah yeah

Oh, the touch of you

Is something new

Nobody ever made me feel the way you do

Let me tell ya,

heavenly

Ecstasy

Oh, when you make love to me

This is it

This time I know it's the real thing

I can't explain what I'm feeling

I'm lost for words

I'm in a daze

Stunned and amazed

By your open ways

This is it

Oh This time I know

I can't explain what I'm feeling

Yeah

I'm in a daze

Mmmm

With your open ways

This is it

This time I know it's the real thing

*smile* So this song has been playing in my head for two days now. Not entirely apt but close enough. This is how Buddy makes me feel. Seller was nice, but it was almost entirely practical. Buddy is practical, but he's also more than that. He also makes my tummy flip flop and that makes all the difference.

I don't loathe practicality in matters of the heart, I just believe there should be more to it than that. He's different from the others i've been with, not just in the practical sense, he as a person is not like the rest. But that's ok, the rest have gotten me no where. His differences set him apart and perhaps may be the reason this may just work *fingers crossed*.

Maybe just maybe?

Buddy and I have had a lovely weekend. After an initial hiccup last week where I told him that I had issue with the fact that we didn't talk about anything that mattered.

It bothered that he seemed to lack passion. Not in the sexual sense. More in the "life and things that matter" sense. A passion for life, for learning, for experiences. A drive for more than this. It's something I have and can't imagine being without. It's what keeps things interesting. It's what I respect. I need someone who has honest to goodness beliefs and a passion for those beliefs.

I had begun to question if this all there was to him and if i could be with someone who didn't have this and who couldn't share with me. I mean, when I'm a crone with saggy tits and jowls and no teeth, what else is there going to be other than good conversation.

And this weekend, we talked. About stuff and nonsense. And it was wonderful.

And I've begun to realise that he is indeed growing on me. It hit me this morning, he'd sent me a photograph of him from a year ago with ringlets in his hair. He looked terrible, it made me laugh. And instead of thinking "Oh dear god! What am I dating?" I thought it was endearing and didn't think it looked too bad.

Blinded? Perhaps :) And willingly so.

because I am a self- help article junkie

So I read this in an article today:-

"Deep down in your soul, endings are only commas, not periods"

Food for thought me thinks.

i give up

Really, is it printed on my forehead in _big_bold_letters.."Please give me mixed signals"? Honest to god, it seems most men that matter to me decide to do this. Really with this one it's one step forward, two steps back. Why oh why is ho so darned cute and how has he managed to weasel his way into my sub- conscious so much! Grrr! I give up *throws hands in air* Really, I do.

Anyone got the number for that colony of lesbian nuns?

Keychains?!

So getting out of my car today I dropped my keys. Then it struck me. Boys I have loved give me keychains. I wonder what that says about me *screws face up in deep thought*

Sometimes...

Doesn't it just really feel this way sometimes?

written in the stars

In the car, bopping along to Leann Rhimes and this line popped out

"I am here to tell you, we can never meet again. Simple really, isn't it? A word or two and then, a lifetime of not knowing where of how or why or when"

Strikes a chord with me. That that's all it takes to severe ties that bind. That that's all it takes for someone who meant the world to you to become but the whisper of a scent and a half remembered postcard in your mind.

Lost one comes to mind.

He was beautiful, decent, intelligent, passionate and emotionally stupid. He loved me, but not enough. Too much, but he wasn't ready.

That here was THE promise, but it came unbidden, uncalled for, unasked for and he was unprepared.

And now I understand.

the shelf

So being an unmarried Asian woman in her mid twenties, you find yourself constantly asked when the "big day" is. The fact is that in this part of the world, once you hit your thirties you're pretty much "over the hill" and it is assumed you will sit on that shelf indefinitely. The assumption is also that you were "too picky" and should have settled.

But what if I don't want to settle. I don't need a man for survival and apparently it's not entirely ethically sound to procreate anyway in this overpopulated world of ours. Surely this is one of the biggest most life changing decisions I will ever make in my life and I should be a little "picky". The rest of you can be happy in a loveless unhappy marriage or fall prey to the divorce statistic. Me, I'll pass on it it that is really the choice I have to make. Perhaps Disney gave me unrealistic expectations on love, but really, the rest of my life is practical, let this be one one thing I'm allowed a little impracticality about. Let me FALL in love and not DECIDE to love. Sure I will need to be practical about some aspects, and I truly believe that staying in love is a decision we make, but allow me a little magic and let me fall. Let it not be true that falling head over heels in love is purely the forte of hormonal teens.

Allow me the luxury of growing old with someone I adore, of kissing in the rain in that wild ecstatic moment when I say yes to spending the rest of my life with him, of missing him when he's on a business trip when i'm 55, of the possibility of dancing the funky chicken on my 50th wedding anniversary.

Give me all that and I will gladly take the tears and tantrums, the miscommunication and the unintentional broken promise, the smelly socks and the snores.

I know the road will be rocky, just let me walk this broken road with someone I truly believe will last the journey. Failing that, be happy for me that I _chose_ to walk the road alone.

the heart wants what the heart wants

because I am too soft for my own good I got in touch with the unexpected despite vowing not to. My thinking is generally that you should live your life the way you would want to leave it. So if i were to find out tomorrow that I had a few hours to live, I would want to know i was leaving with no regrets. This is why I very seldom bear a grudge and this is why I forgive. So this coupled with being pre- menstrual led to calling the unexpected. He wanted to meet to sort things, in true unexpected style made it difficult to actually do that, aggravated me no end at the actual meeting then melted me into forgiving him. Albeit in a totally different capacity. He is now my friend. And I have finally attained peace...

Then in true boy style realises what he's lost and starts trying to sweet talk and ease his way into my heart yet again...

And much though I want to I know he is no good for me the way he is now. So that door will remain closed, for the time being at least *wink* Let Go and Let God right?

because I am a quiz junkie

Read my VisualDNA™     Get your own VisualDNA™

what a difference a day makes

So much to say yet I so don't want to write. Much has happened in the past 5 days or so that makes me wish I could blog from my brain and long for simpler more carefree times...

Which probably explains why my song of the day is "Weather with You" by Crowded House which brings with it memories of a day spent in the sun...Blue skies, a field full of daisies sandwiched amidst the ruins of a priory, on an island with an intriguing name adding to the whimsy of the day, ice- cream by the sea, walks with the twang of salt in the air, laughter, longing and brief and very welcome respite from the storm that was my life then...

confuzzled

Surely knowing you're telling only a half- truth means you know you're lying?

Not rocket science is it really?

Apparently for some people it is.

Go figure *shakes head in disbelief*

wonderful wonderful line

Ever listen to a song to have one line jump out at you?

"you took an instamatic camera and pulled my sleeves around my heart" from "You're Gorgeous" by Baby Bird

The imagery is masterful.

The act of doing something so mundane causing such strong feelings. A play on the words "tugging at the heartstrings" in a manner that's more rough and tumble, perfect for the seduction that goes on in the first stanza.

Evoking a feeling of being hopelessly wonderfully captive...

Amazing :)

song for the unexpected

... is Maybe Tomorrow by Stereophonics.

Good Luck & God Bless.

For your sake I do hope you find your way home.

in two minds

Been told that Buddy isn't exactly truthful about his 'lack of dates' and general awkward demeanour.

I'm in two minds about this.

This _is_ Brunei where you're having an affair with someone if you have a cuppa with a friend of the opposite sex.

However trusting that people _do_ tell you the truth hasn't exactly gotten me far has it? Prime example being Buddha of course and to lesser degrees lost one and seller.

My lie-dar, like my gay- dar is practically non- existent.

He's either very innocent or the best player of the game I've ever met.

Pffft :p

Me no likes.

another unexpected curve ball

So i thought I had well and truly said goodbye to the unexpected. I contemplated telling him I missed him today, decided against it. Thank goodness I did. I instead asked him something fairly important about the house keeping that comes at the end of any relationship. Who gets the dog and all that malarkey. This was a nice housekeeping thing, I had bought him a present to cheer him up before things went Pete tong and wanted to pass it to him via someone.

Then he threw me a curve ball. Essentially saying, knowing that I considered us over, that he is angry, he was busy, he wants time to cool down and would speak to me to try and work things out in a few weeks.

WTF!

So he disappears without a trace having not been considerate for the gazillionth time, and he's angry at me?! On what grounds?! Oh yes, this would be the part where I am left in the dark and he isn't. Pffft :p

Having decided that it's not important enough to shed at least a little light on the situation for the moment, he then decides the course my life is going to take for the next few weeks by saying he will be ready to discuss his own agenda in a few weeks. Forgive me for thinking this is extremely presumptuous.

Oh yes because I will really fall over my feet to accommodate someone who seemingly doesn't even have enough respect for me to keep me posted about things that greatly affect me.

"I didn't want to sort it, so you had to call it off, but that's not good enough for me and makes me angry, but i don't care to tell you even basically why at the moment. All that matters is i know the full story and can assess it, then when I deem necessary, I will think about it and tell you why you were the cow. And when I tell you why you should agree with me and retract your resignation from my life"

"Yes you should wait for me, but no I'm not going to give you reason to, you should just wait."

The gall!

painfully disappointed

Some people are just a**holes, the sooner I learn to accept that the easier my life will be.

They do not deserve second chances, they defy logic, they are cowardly and they prey on other people.

Some people are just a**holes.

Simple as that.

one step forward two steps back

Just back from watching "Stomp the Yard" with Buddy, 3 of 3 and middle child. Movie was entertaining if you like dance. Having never seen a rugby team performing the Hakka I guess I never fully understood how dance can be aggressive and scary. Parts of this film gave me a bit of an insight into how that's possible. So very different from my own very "smiley; this is how a heart sings" type dancing.

Before the movie we met with Gaea for a coffee. That was, if I'm honest, a little disappointing. Gaea was on top form as she always is when she sees me, but Buddy I felt didn't really try. That bothered me and I have been wondering all night if I'm a cow for letting it bother me quite so much. On some level I knew it was just that though Buddy is lovely he is also a little socially awkward and it was just that he didn't know _how_ to try. Knowing that however doesn't make it better and it's not the first time either. It's almost as if as soon as he's faced with people he doesn't know, if interaction isn't immediately easy, he shuts down and stops trying. I don't know if I find this acceptable.

I was disappointed and a little embarrassed as I'd been talking him up and was let down quite spectacularly. He would try a little with inappropriate humour, then when it wasn't well received he kept turning to me saying he doesn't try a lot as it always leads to awkward silences. Which of course aggravated the awkward silence *doh!*

He clearly has large self- esteem issues and I wonder how much of a problem this will be. If only he would see the intelligent, sensitive man that I see...

I need to try however not be so judgmental and not blow it out of proportion. It was one bad and there will be a few, but that shouldn't be the basis to flee. I don't wanna be Ally McBeal with the salad dressing on her date's face really, or I _will_ be the crazy cat lady.

I'd much rather be the crazy parrot lady though I think.

gobsmacked

I've been ill and i was given a medical certificate for two days. Got a call from the office saying it was urgent I went in for at least an hour. Was quite bemused as there is nothing I'm handling that requires me and only me to do anything on it.

Got to the office and was told that the person that needed me urgently wasn't in. Proceeded to twiddle my thumbs for about an hour before it's lunch. Headed off as I realised he wouldn't be coming in till after.

Got back to the office to find out that the reason I had to haul my cute sick nauseous little tushy out of bed and drive while I'm on drowsy medication was because this person needed me to type a sentence in a draft letter I had prepared, delete another, copy and paste onto an email and change the font color

*smacks self on forehead* oh my god...

Why "Wearing Sunscreen"?

It's been brought to my attention that the address for this blog is rather random and makes little sense. It does! Honest! It's from "The Sunscreen Song" read by Baz Luhrman.

Baz Luhrman - Sunscreen Speech
================================

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ?9...Wear sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you cant grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked...You're not as fat as you imagine.

Dont worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind...the race is long, and in the end its only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life...the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you wont, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary...what ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either - your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can...don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, its the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance...even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you'll never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time its 40, it will look 85.

Be careful who advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than its worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen...

It seems like pretty sound advice to me, especially the sunscreen *smiles* Told you that I was a lyrics kinda girl!

snip

So tonight I found the strength to let go. I closed the door to the unexpected. I seem to always manage to fall in love with "what was" and "what could be", forgetting that "what is" matters just as much. With Lost one, i hung on far too long because of this, loving the man that he was and the man I hoped he would one day be again, but I realised that what I was in love with was a past that was gone and a future that may never be.

I didn't love the unexpected, I think it was more that I liked him but I loved the possibility of loving him. So much so that I held on, despite deep misgivings about if we were actually on the same wavelength. I tried to believe it was a yin yang thing. *lol* the lies we tell ourselves ay? I was frightened to close that door, afraid that I would not see that possibility in anyone else. But really that's not a good enough reason to stay. And I believe that this is the same reason the unexpected has been so reluctant to go as well.

So i've tossed the die. I leave the rest to the stars. *hums Faith by George Michael*

achilles and his heel

A few of the wonderful women in my life are having trouble letting go. It's so easy isn't it when you're giving the advice, "he's not good enough for you, tell him where to stick it. I would" But yet faced with the same situation I, many times have not found the strength to do the deed. Gaea asked me a week or so ago why this certain someone had such a hold on her because normally she's a very strong woman. And I told her, and i really believe this, that there will be people who you meet in your life that cause you to break your own mold. I said the same to Jukebox too.

Why is that though? Why are there people that can do that to us? I think it boils down to the deep desire to be loved and vulnerability. You invariably choose at points in your life to let certain people in and in doing so allow them to touch the most private parts of you. To then realise at some point when things go wrong that perhaps you'd let too much in. You feel vulnerable and can't fathom that your judgment was quite so impaired, and can't believe that someone so special could let you down. So you decide, no, it must just be a one off mistake, try it again to realise the same thing again. Rinse. Repeat.

And you repeat and you repeat ad nauseam. It requires strength to keep that candle burning and you use every last ounce that you possess. Let it go on long enough and it breaks you.

I wonder though if this is really weakness? Surely the dusting yourself off and starting again with the same person is not weakness. It's not weakness to forgive. Nor is it weakness to want to believe that next time it'll be OK.

It's the only thing that makes us not call off the search....

sniffle

I have discovered that having a bunged up nose makes teeth brushing tricky

hmmm

let's at least hope i'm ill enough to warrant skiving work tomorrow

*grins* if that isn't glass half full I don't know what is

nail on the head!

how apt!

me in a nutshell

*giggle*

the print fades

My shoe tree is gone :(

I discovered a few days ago that the shoe trees in the park closest to my many student digs were chopped down. I was in tears. Devastated. My world was rocked.

With the chopping of that tree I felt the last marks of me were erased from my old stomping grounds. Brunei is where I grew up, but this city in England is where I became an adult. And it seemed inconceivable that the niche I had so carefully carved for myself would prove to be quite so forgettable.

The night I left, a lost love and I braved the cold winter night. We wandered the park setting off fireworks, our breath in the air, our souls trying desperately to savour the little things. The warmth of his touch, the way he smelt of milk and the outdoors and possibility... Each saying goodbye piece by piece... Our last stop was the shoe tree, we flung my trainers onto its branches through spasms of laughter, we christened it... A little part of me left, where I left a part of my heart...

Lost One, do you remember? Lost One, will you remember now this piece of me is gone?

"For Us, For Love, For Always..." in Lover's Wood, where the squirrel population thrives, will we?

"Piece By Piece"
Katie Melua

First of all must go
Your scent upon my pillow
And then I'll say goodbye
to your whispers in my dreams.
And then our lips will part
In my mind and in my heart,
Cos your kiss
Went deeper than my skin.

Piece by piece
is how I'll let go of you
Kiss by kiss
Will leave my mind one at a time
One at a time

First of all must fly,
My dreams of you and I,
There's no point of holding on to those
And then our ties will break,
For your and my own sake,
Just remember,
This is what you chose

Piece by piece
Is how I'll let go of you
Kiss by kiss,
will leave my mind one at a time
One at a time

I'll shed like skin,
Our memories of lazy days,
And fade away the shadow of your face

Piece by piece
Is how I'll let go of you
Kiss by kiss,
Will leave my mind one at a time
One at a time
One at a time
One at a time

and that is how I bid you adieu...