he needs to be...

"he needs to be Big enough so you can both take cover under his coat when it rains.
Small enough for you to wrap your arms almost around.
Strong enough to restrain you from leaving too easily.
Gentle enough to know when to leave you alone.
and Man enough to know when to give you his hand."

the above is an exerpt from "The Datin Diaries" a now defunct blog I used to read. The Datin blogs no more which is a shame as her entries were thought provoking, heartfelt and well written. It's not often a blog with no gimmicks, of a random stranger, keeps me coming back for more. Some of her entries are reproduced in Notes from Venus.

The Datin's right. That's all he really needs to be.

Image courtesy of rebecca whitney on Flickr.

...

* big giant heavy sigh*

that word

She thinks that the word “Love” is bandied about too easily. One only has to watch an episode on American Idol to hear it umpteenth times. She’s no superstar so she does not know how they feel about their fans but seriously, LOVE?

It’s such a big, little, word isn’t it?

Not to say that she does not love easily. In some cases she does. Very easily and very quickly. Perhaps it comes from having family constantly separated by the big blue sea. When she sees them, she loves them, in the space of a heartbeat almost. Because she knows that if she doesn’t fall in love with them now, the next opportunity may be a squagillion light years away.

But then to say those words. To say “I Love You”, it’s a big thing to her. It’s not something to be thrown about. It’s not “luvya” or “love ya” or any other derivation. It’s those three words. In Malay “bulat bulat”. Literally meaning roundly, actually in context meaning unequivocally I suppose.

With some people she knows it instantly, and she tells them then and there. She’s not really one that waits for tomorrow, there’s no promise it’ll arrive. But with others she has taken her time, thought about if she meant it, before saying it, if ever.

Because it’s the lightest but the heaviest thing to say. It carries such resonance, so many unspoken vows.

It denotes a promise, a steadfastness of belief, an actual- honest to god- will defend with my last breath- feeling. It’s a pledge to stay, to try, to hang on for dear life, to see it through. An oath to be honest, to be true, to be vulnerable. To let go, to have faith, to aid that faith in every way you can.

So no, she does not bandy it around. She has meant it, each and every time she has said it. And she is proud of that.

Image courtesy of Hawee Ta3kees on Flickr.

in a steaming mug of tea

Ali my love,

It’s been over two years now.

And I still think of you with every cup of tea I make. Because I remember you coming over to ours on Warwick Street and drinking jugs of the stuff. This was when you decided it was scandalous that I hadn’t been to Durham and we made plans to go that very week.

I remember the last time I saw you up and about. We watched the then new Harry Potter film. It was one of my last few nights in the Toon. I needed to rush off straight after to catch the RSC doing a Midsummer Night's Dream at the Theatre Royal. There was a sense of urgency which I should have recognised in your embrace that night. You were never one to make a big deal of things. I should’ve known.

At what point do I take your number off my phone, your name from my birthday calendar and your email address from my book?

I miss you…

Photo courtesy of Yoshiko314 on Flickr.

the things that matter

She realises that she has become complacent. The danger of living in this country is that it is so easy to become apathetic towards the world at large.

In her university years she did many little things. She bought fair trade and the big issue, she gave to charity regularly, spent at least a week a year if not more helping out good causes, the list goes on. She was not an apathetic student. She is shamed to admit that now the only vestige of this left is that she doesn't eat shark's fin soup and doesn't buy ivory.

She is in a job she generally enjoys. It keeps the spirits up and the soul happy but she has realised that though the soul thrives, it doesn't grow.

She's wanted to do what she does now since she was eight. She's often wondered what comes next now that she's got here. She thinks she may have always known but not seen the answer to that question.

There may be a move in the not too distant future. Perhaps she should take that as an opportunity to find something less self serving. She's not altruistic, there's still that precious little girl in her dreams who she has to clothe, feed and read bedtime stories to.

But she does need to return to a life that reaches further than this. She needs to give back, she needs for this life to matter.

i'm looking for baggage...

the course of your life can change with one simple action. similarly your outlook on life i suppose can change with a gesture, a person, a moment.

i don't know one person in their mid twenties without baggage. some travel lighter than others, but ultimately we all have baggage.

my heaviest items are anxiety and insecurity. i know where it started, but perhaps my natural temperament only exacerbated the situation. The BFG says I have this need to be everything to everyone, I deny his triumphant proclamation vehemently, but perhaps it's true that I protest too much.

for almost as long as I remember, I have tried to give more than what is expected. with this comes the natural desire to preempt a request before it's even formulated. it kept me one step ahead.

but i remember a relationship where i just couldn't preempt. looking back, it was so very unfair. he expected me to know what he wanted, even before he knew he wanted it. the lasting memory I have of this, is the many times when he would ask me to keep him company a little longer, only to then have to deal with the fall out when he decided that I had over stayed my welcome.

this to- ing and fro- ing left me ridiculously anxious and insecure. i constantly felt like i was treading on egg shells. and i think in many ways I have been ever since. i constantly get hyper- sensitive and pick up discomfort when there isn't any. because previously such vibes in the air normally preceded the man in question wanting to walk out on me.

and logically i know it's ridiculous to figure that everyone will expect me to preempt them. and it's silly to be anxious and insecure when I detect even the slightest change in someone's rhythms.

it must be infuriating to see it from the other end.

i need to somehow trust again that just because one can change one's mind in a heartbeat, doesn't mean that one will. and even if one does, i need to trust that I don't need to have foreseen it.

perhaps i am simply looking for baggage that matches mine...


Image courtesy of Jonnyfez on Flickr.