what i hate about you

you'll never read this because i'll never send it but here's what I hate about you:-

i. i don't hate that you betrayed my trust the way you did that summer. everyone makes mistakes. what i hate about the happenings of that summer is how you behaved after. i hate that you couldn't forgive yourself for it and ended up hurting me again by this inability.

ii. i hate that having betrayed my trust, you did not do all you could to rebuild it.

iii. i hate the way you gave up, just when there was a break in the clouds.

iv. i hate that when you decided to end it, you didn't have the respect or the love to put a real full stop on it. you wanted to end it, you should have had the courtesy to stick to that decision. not change your mind every two weeks the way you did. i loved you still, i was going to cling to every hope and every scrap you gave me. it was your responsibility. you failed.

v. i hate that when i was clearly not in a position to take care of myself, you, instead of taking care of me, were upset that i was not taking your feelings into consideration.

vi. i hate that you lapped up my forgiveness, but gave none in return. i hate that you messed up in ways at least equal, if not more, to how i messed up, but yet i am apparently the bigger baddie.

vii. i hate that after i left you decided to have your cake and eat it too.

viii. i hate that when i initially refused to lean on you after i left, you coaxed me into it, only to drop me when it got too hard.

ix. i hate that having betrayed my trust in that way the first time, for all intents and purposes you did it again 2 years after. i hate how having done so, you stick by the belief that you did nothing wrong. but you refuse to tell people what you did for shame of being judged. i hate how in the lead up to your doing it again you allowed me to believe that i was the insane one.

x. i hate how you put her on a pedestal and refused to see that she gave up on you. it was not and is not just the distance. she just didn't want to try. i hate how because of this, you were so happy to lose me.

xi. i hate the selfish way in which you handled the very end, when i tried to consider you every step of the way.

xii. i hate that you made promises at that end, of which you have broken each and every one.

xiii. i hate that you want me to think we can be friends in the future, but you burn every bridge in the present.

xiv. i hate that i wonder how you are and what you're up to. i hate that i wonder if and how you think of me. i hate that this probably means that i don't really hate you.